


Солдатский котенок (Soldier’s Kitten)

by Sarcasm_Smiles



Series: Soldier Keep On Marchin' On [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 1940s Bucky, Abuse, Angst and Smut, Centle Kisses, Choking, Dark Winter Soldier, Dom/sub Undertones, Dream lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Guns, Implied abuse, Intimacy, Light Bondage, Marvel Freeform, Mental Abuse, Mental Breakdown, Physical Abuse, Physical Connection, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Praise Kink, Promises, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reader-Insert, Sensory Deprivation, Smut, Soft Winter Soldier, Soulmates AU, Stockholm Syndrome, Timeline Freeform, Torture, Touch-Starved, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, World War II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26915536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarcasm_Smiles/pseuds/Sarcasm_Smiles
Summary: "Head in the dust, feet in the fire; Labor on that midnight wire. Listenin' for the angel choir, you got nowhere to run."-Fleurie[Part 1/3]
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, The Winter Soldier/Reader
Series: Soldier Keep On Marchin' On [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963885
Comments: 14
Kudos: 31





	1. I'm Always Bailing You Out Punk

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a reader insert, and I mean like SUPER reader insert. Things to look out for are:
> 
> Y/n = Your Name  
> E/c = Eye color  
> H/c = Hair color  
> H/t = Hair texture  
> B/s = Breast size (Large/Medium/Small)  
> S/c = Skin color  
> R/e = Race or Ethnic (I give the option based on which you identify with)  
> Y/h = Your height
> 
> ; That's just to name a few, I want to make all my readers feel included in every way possible. Also! I do a bit of exaggeration on Bucky's behalf, only for the effect of the story (I tagged it Freeform too!) 
> 
> Enjoy.

**November 1939 - Brooklyn New York City**

It didn't take long for James to realize Steve got held up. And if he knew his best friend, then he knew that it wasn't anything good. Briskly, the six-foot-seven giant walked down the street from the movie theater in search of his five-foot-four counterpart. His beautiful features were pulled into a scowl when he walked two blocks and found him in the alley by the Ice-cream parlor. As per usual, Steve was putting up as best of a fight as he could. Rather quickly Bucky intervened, grabbing the man by his shoulders and shoving him against the brick wall. "Leave him alone," he sneered and pushed the man down.

Bucky glared as the man scrambled to his feet before he turned and faced Steve. The small man huffed and wiped his, trying his best to clean the blood that was starting to pool. "I could've handled it," Steve sighs and leans against the metal fence. "Sure you did." Bucky rolls his eyes and grabs his friend by his arm. 

Steve staggers and leans his weight on to Bucky as support. He looked up at his friend, wondering what was going through his head. Steve felt a hint of guilt as Bucky walked with him out of the alleyway. It was always Bucky coming to his rescue, always Bucky there to get him out of a bad situation, it was always Bucky. "I'm serious, I could've–" 

Bucky stops walking abruptly, he turns to face Steve, his expression relaxed and kind. "Steve, listen to me, pal. You can't keep getting into fights. You're like, a twink." The taller man chuckled and teasingly pushed him by his shoulder. "Come on, lets get you cleaned up."

"Thanks, Buck," Steve groans and holds his side. James looks down at his friend, without Steve noticing he pushed him to the inner side of the sidewalk. Steve huffs as he tries to keep up his pace with Bucky. "What happened?" Bucky asks, slowing down. Steve shrugs his shoulders and limps along beside his friend. "The guy was being an ass to a dame, and I told him to watch his mouth."

Bucky chuckles and doubles over. "Steve!"

"I'm serious Buck, he wasn't being kind to that woman. I just," Steve stopped walking as he listened to his friend laugh at him. Steve stared at him with a fit of soft anger, but eventually, he sighs and shakes his head. Steve continues to walk in the direction of the emergency room as Bucky gets himself together. Easily, James catches up with his best pal. He claps his large hand over his friend's small shoulder. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh it's just– Well jeez Stevie, you can't always go around picking fights."

Steve rolled his eyes and licked his busted lip. "Whatever, you know me. I don't like bullies." Bucky nods with a kind smile on his face. 

The rest of the walk, a few blocks north, was peaceful. Every now and then, James would sneak a glance at his best friend, to make sure he wouldn't pass out or to check for any serious injury. When they arrived, the nurse pulled him into her arms and led him down a few hallways. Bucky took a seat in the waiting room, he looked around at the many faces that marred the large space. Some he recognized in his younger years, others not so much. Relaxing back into the seat he sighs. _What a day_ , he thought to himself. Unfortunately, Bucky was annoyed that he missed the Premiere of _The Big House_. It had caught his interest in the paper a few weeks back, now he would have to wait until next Saturday to catch the screening. 

After roughly an hour, Steve returned hold an ice pack to his head. "You good to go?" Bucky asks and stands to his feet. "Yeah, luckily I didn't break anything. Doc says I should take it easy."

"You should." Bucky teased and shakes his head. The large man slung his arm over his shoulder and quickly ushered him out of the emergency room exit of the hospital. Out on the sidewalk, Steve and Bucky fell into casual banter. They talked about the events of last week, and the war overseas. Slowly, Bucky regressed. The war was something he wanted to put far in his mind. The idea of battle made him a little queasy because he knew at some point in the coming days there would be a letter waiting for him. His previous status as being a military brat would forever haunt him and he had his father to thank for that. "Buck? You listen to anything I said?"

Bucky blinked his eyes a few times before he looked beside him to his friend. "Sorry," it was Steve's turn to laugh and embarrass his friend. The two waited at the crosswalk, watched both sides of the road before they crossed. "Since when have you ever been one to be lost in thought? Is it Deloris?"

"Dot?" Bucky grinned stupidly. The thought of the redhead sent blood pumping through his body, particularly to the appendage between his legs. He shivered and shook his head. "Nah, it's not her. I was just lost in thought is all, daydreaming."

Steve raised his eyebrow at his friend, his blue eyes shining in query. "What has the infamous James Barnes lost in thought?" Steve asks. Bucky opened the door to the pizza shop and followed Steve inside. Bucky shrugged his shoulders, avoiding thinking about the war and his impending fate. "Do you think soulmates are like a real thing?" Bucky blurted as he looked over to the menu. Steve hums and struggles to look up at the counter. 

"Can I get the pepperoni special?" He asks Bucky, the latter hums as he digs around in his pocket for the few dollars it would cost. "Why do you ask Buck? Do you think Dot is the one?"

Bucky snorts before he places their order. He takes the small piece of paper and finds a booth by the window. "No, I mean don't get me wrong she's a great girl. Real sweet on the eyes, but I don't think she's the one." Bucky looks down at his hands nervously as he admits the truth to Steve. "I don't know, maybe. We have a date tonight, I'm taking her dancing down at the hall." Bucky's eyes lighten as he looks at Steve. 

Despite his busted bottom lip, and his bruised and partially swollen cheek, he didn't look too bad. "Hey, why don't you join us? I'm sure she has a friend, and maybe a lady may actually keep you out of trouble."

Steve blushes and rolls his eyes. "I am not going dancing."

"Well, why not?" Bucky's attention was called to the pizza maker. He stands and grabs the two plates and returns. Steve says grace, takes a napkin, and blots the grease from his pizza, whereas Bucky picked up his slice and bit into it. An easy silence falls over them as they eat their food. After a few more bites, Bucky wipes the corners of his mouth and nods his head to Steve, his eyebrows furrow slightly as he swallows. "You didn't answer my question. Why don't you wanna go?" Steve sighs and shakes his head. Bucky shakes his head and nods his head to Steve again.

Steve playfully glares and swallows his food. "I don't know how to dance." Bucky shakes his head. "No way." 

"Yeah I know, so lame." Steve rolls his eyes and stands up. "You forgot the drinks again." Bucky rolls his eyes and continues to eat. Truth was, Bucky didn't mind grabbing his drink after he ate. Drinking while eating always filled him up uncomfortably, and sometimes it gave him gas, but he wouldn't tell Steve that. With a dashing smile, Bucky accepts the cola from his friend and sets it beside his plate. 

The two continued on, here and there they would talk. Steve would ask about Bucky's sister and as usual, he would say, "Reb is doing fine, she's happy with her mister." But this time Bucky had more to say. "She says in a few months she's going to have herself a baby, could you believe that? I'm going to be an uncle." 

"That's great Buck!" Steve spoke interestedly. The two fell into silence again. Their minds are plagued with thoughts of their future. Steve thought of himself with a sweet dame, nice on the eyes, soft voice, and a strong sense of willpower. He imagined coming home to her cooking, kissing her on the cheek, and telling her she looked beautiful while presenting her with a bouquet of roses.

Bucky, he thought of the skewed woman that plagued his thoughts now and then. She wasn't anyone he knew, so he hoped she would be someone he would meet and soon. The mere thought of her brought a mental image to his mind. Her s/c skin looked soft and sensitive, and her e/c eyes were kind and fiery. She reminded him of that feeling of home, she made him feel safe. Often in his dreams, he imagined making love to her under the light of the moon, hearing her soft little moans as she told him she loved him. Sometimes, he would imagine the domestic life with her, coming home to her, telling her he loved her and hearing her say it back. Bucky could only hope... hope and prayed he met her. And hopefully, very soon.

* * *

Bucky smoothed back his hair one last time before he knocked on the door to the two-story house. He could hear faintly on the other side of the wooden door, the clicking of heels. Soon enough, the door was pulled back and Dot stood dressed in a nice pink dress that made her hair pop. Her quaint mouth was painted red, her eyelids had a little bit of eye shadow, and her cheeks were always as rosy as the first time he undressed her. "Hi doll," he smirks at her and he watches as she swoons. "Hi James," she says nervously.

"Are you all ready to go?" He asks and looks her over, she had her handbag slung over and tucked in her elbow. "Yeah," She turned her head and yelled back into the house. "Ma! I'll be back in a few hours. I'm gonna go dancing." She didn't wait for her mom to answer her back, she wouldn't hear the well wishes her mother wished her. Instead, Dot focused on the beautiful man in front of her. And James B. Barnes surely was a beautiful man.

He was tall, he was strong, and he was really handsome–with good hair too. James was well kept, always in suits or outfits that made him seem well off. And he always smelled good, like a warm cognac, and a fresh mist. With his broad shoulders and strong arms, came his homey warmth. Dot felt feverish as she hooked her arm with Buckys. He held her close and walked her to his automobile. "You look lovely tonight doll," He whispered warmly by her ear. Her red grin is from ear to ear as she looks up at him. "Thank you Buck,"

"No problem doll," He winks and opens her door for her. She smiles, a little softer as she looks intently into his blue eyes. They were thunderous, filled with promises that shouldn't be spoken in public, and that thought alone made her shiver again. "You look handsome to Buck," She whispered softly, stalling getting in the seat. Bucky smiles and it's kind and wicked. He cups her face and she leans into his touch. It's quiet for a moment and he nods his head, signaling that she gets in the car. Happily, she complied.

The ride to the dance hall was short and tense. Dot would steal sneaky glances to Bucky, and he would smirk to himself whenever he felt her eyes land on him. "You know doll," He starts and looks at her briefly. Dot's pale face flushes at the way he glanced at her. "If you wanted a few kisses, all you have to do is ask." 

She gasps when his hand touches over her thigh. Bucky's large hand was warm, his finger squeezed her gently on the inside of her thigh, and his thumb caressed the outside. Dot couldn't get her words together. Slowly, Bucky brings the car to a stop. They were covered in shadow, but there was just enough light from the lamp-post a few feet away from them. Bucky faces her with a grin. "Do you want my kisses doll?" 

"Yes please," she reaches over to cup his cheeks. James reaches around her body and he pulls her close, his mouth is on hers in a hot kiss. Dot loved kissing James, his lips were always so soft, so plump. She could get lost in his lips all day. With each kiss, Bucky pulled her closer and closer, until her chest was flush against his own. From there, he moved his kisses from her lips down to her jawline, and further to the side of her neck. When he was at the dip of her neck, he grazed his teeth along the sensitive skin, causing her to gasp and arch closer to her body. James chuckles along her skin. "Bucky," she moans out lowly. Her hands are clasped around his neck, her fingers toying with the tips-end of his hair.

Dot could feel his smile on her neck as he continued to pepper her skin with kisses. "What is it doll?" He asks her and the vibrations of his deep voice made her shake. She pulls him closer, resting one of her legs over his lap. Bucky's left-hand trails down her side and over her soft tummy. He pulls the skirt of her pink dress up to expose her white stockings that stopped mid-thigh. His hands touch over her trembling thighs. "Do you want more?" He breathes by her ear, teasing her leg. "Yes," she moans and rests her head back.

Bucky smiles, kisses her cheek, and finds the juncture between her legs. He was surprised to find she wasn't wearing any panties. His fingers teased her wet slit, rubbing up and down the soft lips before he parted them and found her nub. Nervously, Dot grabbed his wrist and bucked her hips forward into his hand. "You're so wet for me already doll," he whispers and nips her earlobe. "Were you waiting for me all day? Hot and needy for me?" 

His dirty words make her tremble, and she moans loudly when he dips one thick finger inside of her cunt. Her walls tighten around him and he chuckles. "Jesus doll, you're squeezing me here." He kisses her on the cheek and removes his fingers.

"James," She whines annoyed and pouts up at him. He chuckles and starts the car again. "Don't worry, don't pout. I just don't want to miss our date okay?" 

-

The dance hall was packed with many couples, Dot and Buck included. With a suave demeanor, Bucky pulls Dot into his body and sways with her. She rests her head on his shoulder, her right hand held his bicep and her left was laced with his right. Bucky was respectful, he placed his left hand over the small of her back, a few inches above the curve of her ass. "Did I tell you that you look wonderful tonight?" He whispers to her at her hairline.

The pair held each other intimately, as they danced a few jealous leers followed them. Glances from women with their dates would make Dot coil with anxiety. It was no secret that James Barnes was a well sought after bachelor, and any woman would be lucky enough to spend a night with him. Even if it was only a night. 

James even ran up an exciting reputation. If you managed to find yourself on his arm, then you were in the running to find yourself in his bed too... and boy, was Bucky a phenomenal lover. 

Dot on the other hand had her own reputation too. And it was rumored that she was Bucky's favorite date. They were often found together, he was often spoiling her, but she was no saint. She's been on other dates, had only a few other men warm her bed, but she held her head a little too high when it came to Bucky. You see, Dot had it firm in her head that eventually, Bucky would propose. Their relationship would be official, she would be his girlfriend, and soon his wife to be, maybe even the mother of his kids. When she wasn't with Bucky, she hung around her friends– a group of girls who weren't always so nice to other girls. 

But Bucky didn't know that. Or at least, he didn't let on that he knew that. 

"Yes Buck, you've told me." She lifts her head, smiling her intoxicating smile. He smiles back, steps away, and helps twirl her around. She giggles and holds him a little tighter when he pulls her back. Bucky hums along to the tune they were slow dancing too, his voice was a low timbre that vibrated in his chest like a lullaby. Dot closes her eyes and smiles, she missed the way the women in other arms glared in envy. 

Bucky rubs his thumb on her back and continues to hum. He glances down to the woman in his arms but soon the image skews. He was now lost in thought, in his arms was a short woman roughly y/h. She had h/c h/t that framed her kind face like a beautiful portrait. Bucky sighs in content, closing his eyes to make his daydream a little more real. He imagined, as he spun Dot around again, that it was the woman in his mind. He imagined that her little nervous chuckle was a little lighter than Dot's and more free-spirited. Bucky could picture her e/c eyes smiling up at him, her lips pulled back into a smile crafted just for him, her delicate hand on his chest; He could hear her say _"I love you, Buck."_

But his reverie was broken when he blinked and looked down at Dot. She had been staring up at him as they continued to sway in time with the band at the end of the dance hall. Dot had been looking up at him expectantly, her rosy cheeks shiny with blush, her dark blue eyes were shiny and hesitant. "What?" He asks with a soft smile. Dot's smile falls only a little but it doesn't leave her face. "Nothing, I said you looked good is all." 

Bucky blushes a little bit. "Thank you doll," He kisses the top of her forehead. The night continued on peacefully, after dancing to a few more songs Bucky brought Dot out to eat. He paid for her meal, made sure she ate till she was full, and then asked her to accompany him on a stroll in Central Park. She accepted with a graceful smile. 

As they strolled, arm and arm, Bucky would point out little things– like how there were baby ducks following their mom into the lake, and how the moon's light made the lake look like diamonds. He pointed out different flowers and commented that his favorite was peonies. Dot listened and followed along as best she could, but her mind was troubled. She had openly admitted, while she looked into his eyes and said, _"I love you, Buck."_ and he acted as if he didn't hear her. Surely, it bruised her ego and she took it in stride as he continued to shower her in his attention and affection. 

"Buck," She breathes as they make their way to his car. "Yeah Dot?" He asks and drapes his suit jacket over her shoulders. She smiles at the warmth his jacket brought her, it smelled like him. "Can we," she pauses as and looks around. Bucky looks down at her, attentive as he studies her face. Dot smiled fondly at that, her mind going wild with the idea that he would be such a good father to their children. 

Bucky moves one of her short curls out of her face, cupping her chin between his thumb and knuckle. "Can I have some kisses by the lake?" She couldn't meet his eyes at the scandalous advanced, but she didn't have to worry about rejection. Bucky lifted her head and kissed her passionately. Slowly he walked her back only a few steps. When he pulls away he holds her hand delicately and walks through a path. It was narrow, less taken but it leads to a nice opening by the lake. 

When they reach their spot, Bucky pulls her close again and kisses her. They crouch down as they kiss and Bucky pulls his jacket from her shoulders and lays it down when he pulls away from her kiss. Their eyes are heated and illuminated by the moonlight. It ran smoothly, the events that led them to be bare with each other. Their skin glowing by the crescent moon. 

Bucky smiled down at Dot, his thumb spreading her wetness as he teased her nub. She moans soft and low, arching up into his naked body as her spread legs shake. "Bucky," She cries out, sharp and airy. Her hips lift off of his jacket as she reaches her climax. Bucky watches in awe as her face scrunches up in bliss. The female orgasm was a beautiful thing, and Bucky loved watching the women he took to bed flourish in euphoric-bliss. When she came down, her chest heaving he kissed over her chest. He took a nipple into his mouth, sucked and swirled his tongue over it before treating the other one the same. "That was beautiful doll." He murmurs over her skin.

He fisted the base of his cock and brought his bulbous tip to her entrance. Slowly, he slid his cock into her sopping cunt, taking his time to feel all over her as he bottomed out. Again, Dot moans and brings her arms around his shoulders, holding his body to hers. Bucky kissed the center of her forehead and slowly begins to rock in and out of her. He made sure he wasn't too rough, striking the hidden depths inside of her expertly. 

Dot's moans filled their space, and as he felt her tighten around him, his grunts and moans added to their shared excitement. "Oh Buck, you're so good to me." She moans and claws her nails down his back. He rocked a little harder, only a bit to make her squeal in staccato rhythms. He brought his thumb down on her clit and rubbed furiously. His cock throbbed against her pulsating and tightening walls. When she arched her back into him, he snuck his left arm under her and held her tightly. He stilled his movements as he felt her orgasm around his member. The feeling of her losing control around his length made him shiver intensely. Slowly he removed himself, gave his shaft a few tugs, and released over her mound.

The couple was breathless, and Dot pulled him in to rest on her chest. She held the back of his head as he caught his breath, feeling his weight on her was comforting. "I love you Bucky," She whispered more to herself as she felt him draw little shapes on her waist. "You were amazing doll," He praised and kissed over her chest. "Let's get you home okay? I don't want you to get in too late.

And the gentlemen in him made it possible. Dot was back home, tucked safely behind her doors at nine-fifteen. He smiled at the closed door and made his way home to his apartment. He made a mental note to go check on Steve tomorrow morning, take him out to grab a bite, and then head off to work down at the mill.

* * *

Late in the night, Bucky laid in bed and stared up at the ceiling. He broke his mind to conjure up the image of the mysterious woman. Who was she? Where was she from? Would he ever see her? He often asked over and over. 

Soon his mind drifted to the war, would he be drafted? The thought made him feel prideful but nervous as well. It would do him some good, to be a soldier, to serve his country, and fight the good fight and help people. Helping people was what he wanted to do. But would it be good enough for him? Would it be worth it if he didn't have anyone to come home too? Or worse, would he lay his life on the line and never come home?

A lightening thought made him smile as he turned over in bed. Would she be a nurse? Would he save her on the battlefield, and because he saved her would it be love at first sight? Would he take her home with him, show her off to his best friend and then maybe even court her? Make her his girl, and then his wife? 

_Would he get the chance to start a family?_ James smiled to himself as fell asleep, his dreams were a place of heaven, filled with endless possibilities. And most importantly, filled with you.


	2. The Woman of My Dreams

** Brooklyn NYC  **

The evening was fine, the dance hall wasn't that full, but the couple at attention made up for it. The band played a swing song, upbeat and fun. Dot had laughed loudly as Bucky brought her to his left side, then to his right before he flipped her over and back to her feet. The dance move was loudly applauded as they continued to dance, shaking their hips in beat with the song. Their feet hit the steps to the dance routine perfectly, their smiles were wide.

Steve watched by the bar as his friend danced with the lady, he snacked on a bowl of peanuts. Steve had a date, Bucky had convinced him to go out dancing with him and Dot. The latter had brought her cousin along, the young woman –Gina– was in town visiting family for a few weeks. Steve had tried his luck, he asked her how her day was, held her door open, brought her snacks, and even offered to dance with her although he knew he had two left feet. Gina, however, found herself another partner. The man was tall, just shy of six feet, five-foot-eleven. He didn't have a strong build, but he was a bit tougher than Steve. 

Sadly, he watched as Gina grinned up at the man, her soft cherry-brown hair cutting off at her shoulders. The song came to an end, and Bucky smiled down at Dot before leading her over to the bar where Steve sat. Steve pulled himself together, he sipped his cola and smiled at the bunch as they returned. "You all looked great out there." He greets with a wide friendly smile. Bucky smiles at his friend, helping Do into the barstool beside him.

"You should've joined us, Stevie. You would've had fun." Bucky nods and sits down on the other side of Dot. Steve rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Nah," he chuckles, grabs a few more peanuts and unshells them. "Didn't have the right partner." Dot looks at Steve with shock. Her eyes scanned the hall and she found her cousin walking over with a stranger. "What's that supposed to mean?" She chastises Steve.

Quickly, Steve turns his attention. "I mean no disrespect Dot, but your cousin doesn't find me as a suitable dance partner. No shame, I swear it." He apologizes politely. "Easy doll," Bucky murmurs by her ear, he gives her thigh a gentle squeeze. Looking over her head, Bucky gives Steve a look, asking with his eyes if he's okay. Steve nods his head accordingly. The trio turns their heads to Gina and the handsome stranger. "You look lovely Gina." Steve smiles.

Her cheeks flush as she rolls her eyes. "Thank you, Steve. You all, this is Henry. Says he's from the Bronx." Gina introduces the man. He holds his hand out to Steve and Bucky, shaking their hands firmly before he helps Gina into a barstool. Deloris leans over the bar table to talk over Steve and to Gina. "Did you have fun dancing?" She asks her cousin. Steve takes the hint and scoots down the bar. He excuses himself from the party and heads off to find the bathroom... or the exit. Either wouldn't bother him in the slightest. 

Bucky watched his friend with his knowing eyes before he excuses himself. Rather quickly, he finds Steve inching toward the exit and he stops him. "Steve? You're leaving so soon? You didn't even say goodbye to your date."

"She's not my date Buck. Besides, I know when I'm not wanted. I'll see you tomorrow alright?"

"You are wanted Steve," Bucky encourages his friend. With a steady hand on his shoulder, he leans in a little so Steve can hear him over the band and couples chatting. "You're my best pal and I would like for you to finish the evening with us. Who cares about that Henry fellow, Gina is passing up a great guy. Come on, we still have time." 

Steve tried to protest, but ultimately he was convinced and walked back over to the bar with the rest of their party. Steve sat next to Bucky and the two of them talked amongst themselves as Dot and Gina groveled over Henry. "Hey there's gonna be a Dodgers game coming up soon, wanna go to that?" Steve asked and flagged down the waiter tending the bar. Bucky thought for a moment, he hadn't been to a baseball game in a while. "Yeah, sure. Do you know when it's going to be?"

"I think next Friday. I was talking to Dan, the guy who sells tickets by the Pour-House. He says he can get me seats closer to the field." Steve spoke, mindlessly playing with a spill. His blue eyes were caught on something else, shining with some kind of intent, danger. Bucky chuckles to himself and looks over briefly to Dot and Gina. The two continued to talk as Henry listened to them dutifully. "Sounds like a plan pal. Say, you almost all packed up? I can help you move your stuff tomorrow if you like."

The waiter finally came over, taking down their orders one by one. Steve turned to Bucky and sighs. "No, not yet. I'm stalling sorry." Bucky shakes his head in understanding. "It's no problem at all Steve. I know losing a parent is hard, and it's not so easy to get over. Take your time." He clapped his hand on his shoulder affectionately, and Steve smiled to himself. He was thankful to have a great friend that looked out for him like Bucky did. 

A few days ago, Steve's mom, Sarah had passed away from tuberculosis. And although Steve kept his head up, did his best not to show that he was hurting inside, Bucky was there anyway– just in case he needed him. "I'm with you till the end of the line." 

Steve looked up at his friend, appreciative. The two continued to talk more, they talked about the war, and whether or not it would end soon. But it was only the beginning, the war had started months ago, early September. Now they were approaching spring, the weather was nicer, warmer. "Buck," Dot placed her hand on his arm to get his attention. Steve waited patiently as Bucky turned his head to his date. James smiled and sat up a little straighter. "Can we dance to this song?" She asks, her eyes not leaving his. "Yeah sure," He turned to Steve, "Go on." He waved him away. "I'll be here."

James held Dot's hand and guided her to the dance floor. He held her close, rested his chin on the top of her head as they swayed side to side to the slow song. This song had an accompaniment, a singer from Philidelphia. She was an up and coming singer, traveling along the united states singing in all the local clubs and dance all. The singer,  _ Lady Day _ had a beautiful. A soft alto that lulled the couples on the dance floor to be slow and groovy. As she sang her beautiful tune, Dot snuggled closer to James. "Why do you hang around Steve so much?" She asks.

Bucky, surely, was stunned by the sudden question. He hadn't expected it, especially from Dot. It was sort of well known that Steve was a bit of a pushover. Yes, the young man was kind, a genuine sweetheart, but in a sea full of sharks, he was a guppie. Truthfully, it was a surprise that Bucky wasn't among the many men that picked on and even bullied Steve. He had the build for it, the brute strength for it, but he never did antagonize the little man. That just wasn't who he was, and if his mom were still around, she would have his head on a plater if she found out her boy was a bully. "What do you mean?" He asks and looks over to the bar. Steve was sharing a bowl of peanuts with an older couple.

The scene was nice, Steve seemed to have been happy. That was all Bucky ever wanted for his friend. "Well, Steve is so small and frail. It's like he depends on you for everything. Don't you get tired of taking care of him all the time?" Dot looked up at Bucky, catching him just as he turned his eyes down to her. 

"Steve is a pretty independent guy. And honestly, I don't mind helping out if he does need me, but most of the time he doesn't." He spoke and stepped away from her to twirl her around. Bucky brings her back into his body. "But you're always getting involved when he gets into fights. It's like a second sense to you whenever he's in trouble–"

"Dot, he's my friend." He cut her off, his hands on her hips tighten in a warning. "If he or anyone else was being cornered in an alley at a disadvantage I would step in and help. It's not just about sticking my neck out for only him. I wouldn't let anyone get bullied." Bucky's tone is serious. Internally, he was growing annoyed with how Dot was accusing him. What was wrong with her? How could she not see that he was only being a good and decent human being? "But he's always around." She mutters.

"Is that a problem?" He challenges her and lets her go. "He's like family to me, and I always stand up for my family. I'm not understanding why you're so upset about that."

Dot looked at him speechlessly, her eyes were fiery with irritation. Biting her lip she looks passed him and then into his blue eyes. Dot wasn't sure she had ever seen Bucky frown, and although he was upset, he still looked beautiful. With his eyebrows knitted together, his pink lips pouty, she wanted nothing more than to reach up and kiss him. So, she stood on her tip-toes and tried to capture his lips but he evaded her. Dot glared at him. "It isn't fair Buck," She starts and crosses her arms. "You put him over me, every time. Even more lately. I hate that. I'm your girl, not him–"

"You aren't my girl Dot," Bucky spoke and it cut her deep. There wasn't anything malicious about how he said it. He was firm, and still kind, but it hurt her all the same. "What do you mean I'm  _ not _ your girl Bucky. Of course, I am. You've been courting me for months consistently." She spoke, her voice catching with emotion. Dot felt like there was something stuck in her throat, like something preventing her from swallowing properly. Her dark blue eyes that were once bright, were sad and wet. Bucky, as kind as he was, brought her off of the dance floor. They found a place more personal and quiet, away from gossiping ears. 

Bucky lifted her head, looked her in the eyes, and let her down easily. "Dot, the time we spend together is amazing. I wouldn't lie about that. But no, you aren't the only girl I've been courting. No offense to you, but I haven't found what I'm looking for, and what I'm looking for I don't see with you. You're a great gal, absolutely wonderful." He spoke and she sniffled. A tear escaped her eye and after that one, another one, and another until her face was flooded with tears. It pained him a bit to see her cry, he didn't want to upset her more. With a gentle touch, Bucky did his best to wipe her cheeks clean of her tears. Dot leaned into his touch but stilled at his words.

"I understand if you don't want to see me again. You deserve someone who won't waste your time, who would make a wife out of you and lo-" 

She snatched his hand away from her face and glared up at him through her tears. "So that's it huh?" Her voice turned bitter. "You think I'm some whore that you can buy out?! Take me on dates only to reject me in the end? Who do you think you are James Barnes?" She stepped on his foot and turned away. With a sigh, he pushes back his hair and straightens his posture. He returns to the party, ignoring Henry and Gina's judging stares as he tapped Steve on the shoulder. "You about ready to head out?" 

Steve furrows his brows as he excuses himself from his conversation with the Jones couple. Steve stood, pulled his jacket over his arm, ready to bid the ladies goodbye.  _ "Fags." _ Henry spat under his breath.

James turned to him with a fire in his eyes, he brought his fist back and swung it into Henry's face. The man fell out of the stool, but that didn't stop Bucky from striking him again, and again, and again. Bucky stood up, grabbing the counter as he swung the toe of his shoe into the man's ribs.

The man coughed and withered as he submitted to the beating Bucky gave him. Steve pulled on Bucky's arm to stop him. "Buck stop! You'll kill him." Steve tugged a little harder and soon enough Bucky relented. He spits on the man and turned his angry gaze to Deloris and Gina. The women cower, holding one another, Deloris holds Bucky's gaze as he gets close. He leans down to her height of five-foot-six and kisses the corner of her mouth. "Get home safe," he wishes them and leads the way out of the dance hall.

Outside in the cool night's air Steve lets out a laugh. "I thought you said  _ not _ to go picking fights?" He teased his friend. Bucky wanted to chuckle, but he was still annoyed. What did Dot say to him to make him use such a slur? Clearly, and there was enough evidence to prove, Bucky didn't swing that way. And surely if he did, there was no need to be disrespectful about it. No matter who anyone was, they deserved respect and fairness. It riled him like no other when people purposely did wrong, purposely chose to be mean. It made him feel like a monster when he had to physically harm someone.

Although he didn't dwell on beating Henry up, it was going to be all people talked about. It would add to his reputation, not only was he good looking, an excellent and careful lover, but James Buchanan Barnes had a temper. Or at least, he hadn't any tolerance for whatever transpired. For now, Bucky tried to calm himself as he listened to Steve tease him. They walked to his car, settled inside, and then drove off. 

"What happened back there? Why was Dot crying, Buck?" Steve finally asked. James sighs and squeezes the steering wheel a little tighter before he speaks up, "I told her the truth, that I was just messing around, being a bachelor. But she didn't like that and got upset with me." Steve nodded his head and looked out the window. The drive to his small little apartment was a decent one. "Do you ever think you'll settle down Buck? Find yourself a nice girl?"

Bucky shrugs. "Eventually, just not right now." Steve looked at his friend and nodded. "Well, it's no rush. Take your time." 

Chuckling, Bucky smiles. His mood was brightened a bit, bringing back the kind shine in his eyes. The pair rode out the rest of the journey in silence.

* * *

"Don't we have to pick up your medicine?" Bucky asks as he looks at Steve's shopping list. Steve walks over to the shopping cart with a head of lettuce and a bag of apples. "Yeah, but we can pick that up after. I just want to get a few more things off of the list then we can go."

It had been a few weeks since the incident in the dance hall, Dot had rung his landline but he ignored it. A few days after, Steve put his apartment up for sale and moved into the two-bedroom apartment with Bucky. They had been living together ever since, and a good thing too because Steve has been keeping out of trouble. Bucky read and reread the list over. He deposited a box of cereal before following Steve down the aisle. "What else? We got everything on the list?" Bucky mumbles and looks around to the bagging line. 

At the far end, there was a woman with h/c h/t hair. His breathing stops for a moment, and his heart goes into overdrive. Steve is talking to him but he isn't paying attention. "Yeah alright, I'm gonna go ring these up," Bucky spoke, waving off Steve. He pushed the cart in the direction of the woman leaving Steve confused and annoyed. Steve turns around and pulls a couple of dollars out of his pocket, he walks to the bakery and admires the pie selection before picking one.

When it was Bucky's turn to have his groceries rung up, his heart fell. It was crushing to see that the woman he had mistaken was indeed not  _ You _ . It bugged him. He was so sure that it would be, that finally, he didn't have to suffer in his dreams, that he wouldn't wake up missing someone he's never met. Who probably doesn't exist. The woman who's name tag said Cherry, smiled at him. "Find everything easy sir?" she was kind. Bucky nods, "Yeah doll, I did." He flashes her a smile. "How's you're day?"

And just like that Cherry was enveloped in his charm. Bucky chatted the pretty lady up and then wrote down his landline's number before he caught up with Steve. He smiled to himself, wondered if she could possibly be the woman in his dreams, but then a mental image of a said woman popped up in his mind. "Penny for your thoughts?"

James looked over to Steve in the car and shrugged. "Just wondering, nothing really serious." Steve nodded and continued to look out the window.

* * *

_..."Hey wait," Bucky calls out and reaches for your arm. He pulls you back and lifts your head. A blush bleeds on your cheeks as he runs his fingertips over your cheeks. "Where are you going?" He asks and leans down to capture your lips in a kiss. You sigh into his mouth, wrapping your arms around his neck. You hold him tighter, smiling against his lips as he holds you. "I was trying to find you," You kiss him and he swoons. "I don't feel whole when I'm not with you"... _

Bucky woke up all too soon. He takes a heavy hand and rubs it down his face, a hard sigh passes his lips.  _ I was trying to find you... _ Beside him the bed shifts. He looks over at Cherry and frowns. The woman's voice, from his dreams– she didn't sound like Cherry. She didn't even look like Cherry. The woman in his dreams was prettier, not that Cherry wasn't pretty, but Cherry wasn't that woman. Slowly, Bucky sits up in bed and looks down at his hands. His dream felt so real. Your skin and your touch were intoxicating, it was nurturing, it was arousing. 

Bucky again sighs, he pulls himself out of bed and leaves his room.  _ I don't feel whole when I'm not with you... _ He didn't either, it was something he was beginning to notice. In the kitchen, Bucky pulls back the fridge and grabs the milk. His movements around the kitchen were quiet and stealthy. He grabs a cup and pours himself some milk. Leaning against the counter he thinks hard about how his dream began. He takes a sip of his milk and brings his hand to his hair, scratching against his scalp gently. Then he could see it clearly. 

In his dream, he was tangled with  _ you _ . His arms were wound tightly around his woman's body, kissing along her neck tenderly, murmuring against her skin sweet promises of a future.  _ "Tell me you love me," _ He whispers and she smiles, turning in his arms so she could face him.  _ "I love you, James," _ she whispers back. Bucky remembers feeling her fingers through his hair, her blunt nails scraping against his scalp as he delved into her body. Her skin felt like heaven against his skin, soft like how he would imagine clouds to be.  _ "Oh James~" _ She moans and drags her nails against his back-- Bucky takes another sip of milk, smiling to himself at the thought of making love to the woman in his dreams. 

As he continued to remember his dream, his smile falls only a little. Suddenly he wasn't with her, instead, he was cold. Snow fell around him thickly, and in the distance, he could see someone struggling. Bucky looks through the blinds at the street lights below, his mind racing as he thought harder. In his dream, as he threaded through the thick snowfall he couldn't make out full what was struggling, but he heard a scream and sprung into action. But just as quickly as his dream became cold, it was warm again, he saw her wandering around in a short dress. On her left thigh a drawing of a rose. It was a weird tattoo, but he would remember it.  _ A tattoo, so daring. _

Stretching, Bucky finishes his milk and heads back to bed. He slides in next to Cherry, facing the window and tucking his pillow under his arms and head. As he drifted off to sleep, he felt Cherry wrap her arms around his body.

-

_...Little kisses press against Bucky's back, warm hands hold his hips, he smiles and turns around on the bed. There she was, her face bright with a smile. Her lips were painted in a gloss, making them look tempting.  _ He leans down and kisses her. "I missed you." She says and lays back on her back. Bucky holds himself up on his elbow, he moves away a lock of her hair before he kisses her temple. "I missed you too." He murmurs.

The woman closes her eyes and stretches her arms out into the air between them. She giggles and then turns her head to him. "You're beautiful James," she tells him and sits up. The wind blows in her hair and he looks around.

Bucky was surprised but tranquil with where they were. Around them were rolling hills of green, trees tall and healthy, groups of flowers danced in the summer air. The sky was a vibrant blue, and the sun was set in a way that its rays gave way to a sunny hue. The woman stands up on the bed, she wore a white summer dress. The top had a deep neckline, and the straps were thin. The fabric was flowy, and the skirt of the dress stopped just above her tattoo. She smiles down at him, in her hair, a few flowers were braided at random. They were peonies. "What are you doing?" he asks and reaches out for her. She grins and jumps off of the bed.

He was quick to be on his feet, chasing after her. Their laughter fills the field as they run. " _ Kitten _ come back," he calls out. The nickname was foreign to him but it felt so natural. Quickly, Bucky catches up to her and pulls her into him. She squeals with joy and her radiant energy infects him. He turns her around with the biggest smile on his face. "You tried to run from me," 

"Only for fun James. I'd never run from you." She tells him softly. With a fondness in his eyes, he lays her down on the soft ground. Gentle kisses are placed along her face, her little giggles make his heart swell with pride...as well as makes his cock swell with want. When he looks down at her again, he reaches forward and slides one strap of her dress down her shoulder, and then he does the same to the other. 

Her chest is bared to him and he couldn't help but touch her. The swell of her b/s breast fits perfectly in his palm. He gave the soft flesh a firm squeeze, flicking his eyes up to catch the way her e/c eyes became glossy with excitement. He watched her intently, giving her another squeeze before dipping his head down, he kissed over her collar bones before he took her nipple into his mouth. Her hands were on his shoulders, squeezing tightly but softly, his other hand fondled her other breast.

Little mewls leave her succulent lips. His mouth moves to the other nipple, sucking and tugging on the bud. _ Bucky pressed his hips to hers and she spreads her legs for him, inviting him closer. "Oh kitten," he murmurs against her bare chest. "You're so good for me,"... _

Bucky woke up when he felt someone kiss his forehead. "Are you alright," The voice whispers? He opens his eyes, looking at Cherry. She was blushing as she looked at him. "Yeah, are you?" He asks and lays down on his back. She nods and cuddles into his side. Cherry laid her head on his chest, listening to his calm heartbeat. "You were mumbling in your sleep." 

Bucky rubs her back. "Oh yeah?" He speaks into the calm timbre of his room. Cherry nods her head, humming. Bucky sighs and squeezes her body. Something about laying with her felt final, and he was okay with it. Cherry smiles and hugs Bucky. She felt the finality too, but she wasn't saddened by it. A sense of being helpful washed over her as she yawned. "For what its worth, I hope she knows she's lucky." And with that, she fell asleep.

Her words kept him up, it made him think. Did she dream of him too?


	3. You're A Real Jerk You Know That

** January 1941 - Brooklyn NYC  **

"I'm going to enlist into the army," Steve announced loudly as he pushed back Bucky's door. Bucky turns his head and faces Steve as best he could in bed. It was early, possibly six in the morning. As best as he could, Bucky rubs the sleep out of his eyes and sits up in bed. "You're what now?" his voice was gruff with sleep, his left shoulder tight and stiff from sleeping on it oddly. As he rolled his shoulder out, Steve took a proud step into Bucky's room. "I'm going to enlist in the army."

"No." Bucky narrows his eyes on his friend. "Absolutely not, are you crazy Stevie? They won't even let you– and that's not to say you aren't qualified, but you have a long medical history." Bucky was on his feet now, rolling out his shoulder and walking past Steve to get to the kitchen. "Just hear me out Buck–" Bucky shook his head as he stood by the dated coffee press. "I haven't even had my morning coffee yet." He complains.

That didn't stop Steve however, he took a seat at the table and pulled out his enlistment forms, two of which completed, and six already mailed out. "Well, you can't stop me because I already signed up." 

"I had a feeling you were going to say that," Bucky mutters as he takes his time. He pours in two scoops of coffee grounds and then he measures carefully how much water he's supposed to add. "I'm not really sure, was it two scoops of grounds and a scoop of water? Or two scoops each?" He asks as he stares at the measuring cup of water. "Two to one Buck," Steve tells him, filling out honestly all of his medical problems. Bucky nods to himself, pouring the water into the maker, and proceeds with the necessary actions. 

When his coffee is done, he pours it into his cup and places his cup in the dated microwave. Turning the dials he sets the timer for three minutes. It would be perfect for his coffee, not too hot, not too cold, but just right. Steve had mentioned that he was going to go see a doctor today, about getting a new inhaler. Bucky nodded and waited patiently for his coffee to be finished warming. "So, who's the lucky lady you've been seeing?" Steve asks once the timer dings. 

"What?" Bucky smirks softly and brings his coffee cup over to the table. "You want any?" He asks Steve and he shakes his head. Bucky picks up one of the enlistment forms, "So," Steve looked up to Bucky as Bucky read the small page. "Steven G. Rogers from Wyoming? Really?" Bucky teases and places the page down. "Hopefully, they'll accept me somewhere. Anyway, you never answered my question. Who's the lucky lady?"

Bucky shakes his head. "There is no lucky lady." he sips his coffee and Steve stares at him. His baby-blue hues look on with shock, truthfully Steve didn't believe him, there was no way Bucky wasn't seeing someone. Bucky was a ladies man, there had to be someone. "You're lying to your best friend now? I'm hurt, Buck." Steve joked with him.

"I wish I were lying pal, but I'm not. The ladies here just don't do it for me. They aren't... never mind." Bucky waves off whatever he was going to say, but Steve had caught his words. There was a moment, as Bucky stood up and finished his coffee, Steve watched his face. Bucky looked tired, his blue eyes were softer with longing laced through the soft gray flecks in his irises. Bucky kept to himself more, over the last two years he's been more lost in thought than lost in the moment. "They aren't what? or should I say who?" Steve pegged the question.

Bucky washed out his mug and turned around to face Steve, and Steve was already facing him with mischief in his eyes. Bucky knew he had two options, he could brush it off and say it was nothing- practically ignore Steve about the matter and hope he would forget it, or he could be truthful, tell him that his dreams have become more and more realistic and that his heart hurts for someone that he was now sure he would never meet. He decided on the former. "It's no-"

"Don't tell me that it's nothing when clearly it is. Who is she? She's obviously important to you." Steve rested his chin over his arms as he placed on the top of his chair. Bucky scratches the back of his neck, caught in his slip. "Well," he starts and looks away, his cheeks flushing a soft rose color. "She doesn't even exist."

"And you're sure?"

"I'm more than sure. I've even gone out looking for her and turned up dust. She just isn't real."

"I don't believe you." Steve snickers and returns to the many enlistment forms. He pulls them all together and makes sure they're neat. "I'm gonna go mail these." He tells Bucky, but he's already walking into the bathroom to get ready for the day. "Don't do anything stupid while you're out," Bucky calls out to him. Steve yells back his assurance and locks the door behind him.

-

On his lunch break, James took a stroll through Central Park. He walked along the perimeter slowly, his arms rested behind his back as he looked around. He took in his surroundings, enjoyed the feel of the sun's rays on his skin and the cool air as it fluttered his hair. Bucky again was lost in thought. As he took his stroll he imagined that she was beside him, wearing her white dress with peonies in her hair. As he looked ahead, he imagined that she wrapped her arms around his, walking together in peace. In his fantasy, as they walked together he would run into old friends and they would ask about his missus. She would smile and look to him for guidance before speaking-  _ no that isn't anything like her _ \- she would grin and speak freely, and yet she would be kind and modest.

Bucky sighs and shakes his head, the image of his fantasy fading away as he approached the hot dog stand. He paid his fare and thanked the man before continuing his stroll.

"James Barnes as I live and breathe!" A hearty voice called out to him. He turns his head and finds a rather round man walking in his direction. As he got closer he recognized the man's face. Georgie Minn, one of his friends from Camp Leigh. The same camp he met Steve when he was younger. "Georgie!" Bucky returns the enthusiastic smile. The man caught up with Bucky and the two walked to a nearby bench. "You look like you're frozen in time, you haven't changed a bit." 

"Thanks, old friend, you look good yourself." Bucky complements and splits his hot dog in half, giving one half to Georgie. The man thanks him and they enjoy their hot dog together on the bench. "How has life been treating you, George?" Bucky asks and checks his wristwatch just to make sure he still had time.

Georgie sighs and shrugs his shoulders. "Alright, I believe. I recently get my letter. I'm apart of the ninety-eighth. I was supposed to be shipped off yesterday but the missus gave birth to our baby girl and I couldn't miss that."

Bucky's face brightens in warmth. "Congratulations." he claps his shoulder with his hand. "That's incredible, what's her name?" Bucky asks. Subconsciously, he imagined the woman in his dreams round with their baby, but as quickly as the image came it was gone and he was stuck within the moment. "Katherine named her Apolla, she's the cutest little thing."

Bucky smiled fondly and continued eating his hot dog,  _ at least he has someone to come home too. _

* * *

_...Bucky wiped away his tears as he pushed debris off of him. This wasn't a dream but rather a nightmare. He held his arm in his hand, it was broken and mangled. "Kitten," he called out but he heard nothing in return. His chest felt tighter, this couldn't have been happening. _ As he moved along the debris he wondered, how could this have happened?

He reached an opening and pushed against a wooden pillar that blocked his way. A sharp cry escapes him when he falls forward. On the cold ground, he curls up into himself. Maybe he would remain alone here, as he is in reality. Maybe his dreams would only be his dreams, an untouchable fantasy. "Do you really think that?" A gentle voice spoke. Bucky turns his head, through his tears he was surprised to see Steve. 

His pal walked over and helped him up. "She's gone," Bucky cried and Steve smiled. He pointed forward in the direction of another corridor. Bucky looks in the same direction, his heart begins to beat furiously in his chest. The corridor that he looked down was long and dark, and very much so uninviting. "Down that path, that's where you'll find her," Steve told him. 

To Bucky's surprise, Steve was dressed up in a suit, black tie, black shirt. "Where are you going punk?" Bucky tried to joke. Steve smiled and helped his friend stand. Bucky cried out in pain. He rested against a wall and teased Steve some more, he wanted to hang on to something good in his nightmare. _ "You're a real jerk you know that?" Steve laughed. He fixed Bucky's shirt and patted his shoulder. Bucky stood up, dressed in a soldier's uniform. "She's going to need you, now wake up"... _

James woke up with a start. He was breathing heavily, clutching at his chest as he looked around and took in his surroundings. Wherever he was in his dream, his nightmare he prayed he would never visit it ever in his life. It was horrible, it felt like a death sentence. Kicking his feet over the side of the bed, Bucky sat up and frowned. He had never seen so much and yet so little in such a short- or long amount of time. 

_ Why was Steve there? _ He asks himself internally. A tired hand falls over his face as he sighs again. This would be the second night in a row that he had the same dream. The second night in a row that he didn't see his kitten, a second night he didn't get to be in heaven.

-

"I think I'm going to hell." Bucky blurted out over breakfast. Steve stopped cutting into his pancakes, looking up at Bucky before he sat up straight and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Nervously Bucky chuckles and sips his orange juice, he sets down his cup and clears his throat. "I think I'm going to hell, like when I die." Steve frowns deeper at his friend and shakes his head. "Why would you think that? Buck, you aren't a bad person." And although Bucky wanted to believe Steve, the reminder of his dreams still sat at the back of his mind. "I don't know Stevie, I mean. My dreams they've been getting worse."

"Worse how?" Steve asks and continues where he left off with cutting his pancakes. "Well before I used to dream of this girl, you know, e/c eyes, h/c h/t, and s/c. It was like being in heaven every time I was with her." Bucky murmurs sadly and pokes at his potched eggs. Steve nods his head, encouraging his friend to continue. "And usually I'm either in her arms or... you know, or sometimes we just lay in the sun. Now? I feel like I'm fighting for my life and whenever I get  _ close _ to finding her I wake up."

Steve chews his food slowly, processing what Bucky told him. Bucky stares out the window and to his surprise, he caught Dot's gaze. Her eyes were hopeful as she stared at Bucky. She raised a delicate hand to wave, and he smiles softly, waving back to her. "Well maybe," Steve clears his throat and Bucky frowns. "Maybe it's a sign, or like a test or something."

"A test? I have to go through hell to find heaven?" Bucky scoffs and cuts into his eggs. Steve nods and shrugs his shoulders. "Maybe." Shaking his head, Bucky looks back out the window, by then Dot was long gone.

He watched as people went on about their daily lives, riding their bikes or driving their cars, couples walked by hand in hand, kids played with cans in the street. His mind raced, he tried to conjure up his beauty, but instead, he only saw himself as a broken mess. So Bucky looked down at his plate and focused on finishing his food. Steve had spoken up about how the weather was getting nicer and the beach was getting prepared for the summer festivities. "What, you wanna go to Coney Island this year?"

"Yeah, let's get out of the house. Maybe you'll find yourself a date." Steve smirked and raised his hand to flag down the waitress. 

Bucky gives him a playful but challenging smile. "Oh, I'll have no issue finding me a date punk." Steve laughs at his friend, happy to see that he was starting to cheer up, and Bucky was glad that Steve was there to pull him out of the rough. He greatly appreciated it. Steve's effort wouldn't be brushed off.

* * *

The ride they got on was called the cyclone. A large roller coaster with twists and turns, large dips, and a fall that made the people on the ground watching scream. Bucky had spent the better part of fifteen minutes hyping Steve up to get on the ride, and each time Bucky mentioned it Steve would refuse. "Oh come on! You said let's get out of the house and try new things." Bucky laughed and pushed Steve up the steps to the waiting carts. 

Steve again tried to struggle. "I said let's get out of the house, nothing about trying something new. Bucky, look at me, I can't get on this." Steve tried, but Bucky wasn't hearing him. "You're going to be fine. I'm right here." 

With a hard sigh, Steve turns around, gives the lady his ticket, and picks the cart near the back. Bucky winks at the woman collecting tickets and gets in next to Steve. As more pedestrians fill up the remaining carts, Bucky looks over to Steve's nervous face. His friend was sweating profusely, his cheeks a little sagged with dread. Steve pulled at his collar, still very unsure about boarding the coaster, and even more unsure now that he took into account that he'd eaten two hot dogs just prior. "Relax, it'll be over before you know it." Bucky laughs as the cart begins its traction to take off.

But the ride couldn't have been any faster. The long dips, the fast turns had Steve bracing the safety bar for dear life while Bucky had his hands raised in excitement. As the ride came to an end, Bucky stood up taking his time, he sighs with joy and turns to his friend. "That wasn't so bad right! It was fun." 

Steve exited the cart he sat in with shaky legs. He cupped his mouth and dashed past Bucky and a few bystanders. Luckily, he made it to a trash bin and threw up the contents in his stomach. He heaved and coughed and gripped the bin so tight he was sure to have bruises. Bucky winces comically as he watched Steve go and puke. He reaches him, having snagged a napkin off of some kid's plate of fried dough. When Steve returned to his feet he handed him the napkin. "I'm sorry buddy," Bucky apologizes and stuffs his hands in his trouser, Steve shakes his head as he catches his breath. 

"No it's okay, it was fun. I just don't have the stomach for it." Steve gave his best for a save, he smiles up at Bucky and looks around. "Say, let's go find something else to do. This time I think I can stomach it."

Bucky laughs with Steve and they walk through the carnival grounds. They played wack-a-mole and shot water out of guns to fill up balloons. Bucky had won, and to impress a girl eating cotton candy with her friends he got the biggest teddy bear and gave it to her. "Something sweet for something sweet," He winks and continued on his way with Steve. 

When the sun began to set, Steve yawned and asked to head home. "Yeah sure," Bucky wiped the corners of his mouth and then wiped off his fingers. The powdered sugar from the treat had gotten everywhere. Steve teased him, "Missed a spot." He points and sneakily puts more sugar on Bucky's nose. "Punk," He laughs and wipes his face. "Jerk." Steve snickers and picks up their trash. 

They clean up their area and head off to find an exit. "So, did you hear back from any recruiters?" Bucky asks as they pass an Uncle Sam flyer. The famous  _ I want You _ slogan slugged Bucky like a hit to the jaw. "Uh, no. They say I'm too sick." Steve grumbles and kicks a pebble forward. "Maybe next time." Bucky encourages and Steve looks up at his pal and smiles. "Yeah, maybe next time."


	4. Her Sweet Face Keeps Me Warm At Night

**September 1942 - Brooklyn NYC**

Bucky shook his head as he walked over to help Steve to his feet. "Sometimes, I think you like getting punched." Steve stood and winced. He brought his hand up to aid his swelling face. His lip was busted and his cheeks were flushed. Bucky picked up the piece of paper that had fallen out of Steve's pocket. "I had him by the ropes."

"Yeah," Bucky rolled his eyes sarcastically before he looked at the papers. "How many times is this?" He opened the folded piece of paper and sighed heavily. Yet again, Steve had lied on his forms, but it was a minor lie. Bucky was so sure that he had convinced Steve a while ago not to continue to sign up for enlistment. It was rejection after rejection and the fact that Steve had asthma among many other ailments was enough to reject him justly. "Ah, so you're from Paramus now? You know it's illegal to lie on the enlistment form." 

Steve shook him off before looking up at him. It was a shock, a hint of jealousy shot his veins as he looked up at Bucky in his uniform. "You get your orders?" He asks him, he remembered a few months ago that Bucky received a letter in the mail. A detailed letter explaining that James had been chosen to serve his country and that it would be considered an honor for him. 

And James had a choice to make, either fulfill his instructions or be placed in jail. So he did what any other soldier did, he fell in line and waited for further instructions. And more instructions came, as well as a formal title. "The one of seventh. Sergeant James Barnes," Bucky tilted his head proudly as he showed off his uniform. "Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow." There was a little smile on his face as he handed Steve back his enlist form. Steve nodded, proud of his friend too. "I should be going." Steve sounded a bit defeated.

Bucky nodded, and then he smiled at his friend. Tonight would be easy going, he would enjoy it, and he would have his best friend by his side. "Come on man. It's my last night, gotta get you cleaned up." He ushered Steve out the alley of the movie theater. The same theater they were supposed to see _The Big House_. As they walked Bucky told Steve that they had dates, and would be going out.

"Why were we going?" Steve asks softly. Bucky hands him the paper he picked up on his way to meet Steve. "The future."

-

It was stunning, to see a man as smart as Howard Stark present an invention such as the flying car. Bucky had turned his head to Steve, to gloat about that kind of excitement but Steve wasn't by his side. Bucky turned around and looked for him. Bucky searched for him for about five minutes before he realized that Steve could possibly be at a Military set-up. And sure enough, that's where he found him.

Naturally, Bucky got on him about wanting to be in the war. Truthfully, Bucky didn't want Steve to be anywhere near this place. Steve physically, wasn't prepared to be in war. But Steve had heart and guts, and he pleaded his case convincingly. "Don't do anything stupid till I get back," Bucky tells him playfully. The two women he came with called for his attention. "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." Steve shot back.

Bucky chuckles and walks back to Steve, he hugs him, muttering, "You're a punk," as he hugs him. "Jerk." Steve murmurs. "Be careful." 

Bucky smiles at Steve one last time, turning to leave and join the women. He promised them he would take them dancing, and Caroline, the brunette had whispered in his ear that she'd like a tour of the soldier's home. Her face flushed when Bucky kissed her by her ear and agreed. "Don't win the war till I get there," Steve called out to him. Bucky turns and salutes to his pal. 

Caroline and her friend, Meredith waved him over. They clung to his arm as they continued through the Expo. Meredith broke off from their trio when she spotted some of her friends. Sharon smiled up at Bucky. "So, where to next soldier?" Caroline asks, batting her eyelashes at him, her arm around his tighten as they walk by the large globe of the world. Bucky grins down at her and she grins up at him. A daring smirk rolled over his pretty lips. "I may know a spot."

-

Caroline clung on to Bucky's shoulders as he rutted his hips into her hips with immense power. The car shook with their activities, the windows foggy from the body heat and their pants and moans. "Yeah, harder," Caroline moaned loudly in his ear, and Bucky was happy to comply. He gripped her hips, lifting himself up to look down at her. Her chest bounced with each of his thrusts, her walls squeezed around his cock, but it didn't give him comfort. 

Bucky lifted her by her hips, ramming into as she asked. Caroline's face was twisted up in pleasure as she held onto the car's seat. Her back arched up and her body shook as she came undone around him. 

He gave her a few more thrusts before pulling out of her. He finished himself off over her stomach. "Wow," Sharon laughed bitterly. Her fingers swept up his cum and she brought it to her lips. Bucky watched in awe as she licked her fingers clean. "Are you afraid you get me pregnant soldier?" 

Bucky leaned forward and kissed her lips. "Shh doll," He murmurs over her mouth. "Don't think too much, it's my last night." Caroline smiles against his lips, she holds his body close to hers, her fingers tracing over his back. Bucky let himself relax against her. The way they held each other and kissed was intimate. He trailed a finger down the side of her neck and kissed her cheek. "You're absolutely beautiful doll." He whispered as he brought his throbbing cock back to her entrance.

Caroline whimpers softly as she felt full. Her chest pressed against his tightly, their hearts beating in syncopation with one another. For his last night here in the states, he wanted to be held, be felt. Who knew how long it would be until the next time he would feel the touch of a woman.

* * *

Weeks after being shipped off to England James seemed to fit in with a group of men. He struck up a good friendship with a man named Gabriel Jones. In fact, Gabe was the most accepting of James, he let him take the bunk above his. 

They spent lunches in between training together. "Say, Barnes, why don't you come to meet the rest of my friends," Gabe smiled. Bucky set aside the notebook he was writing in. He had a few letters written already, detailing his time so far on the battlefield. He wrote to Steve and to his little sister, she was now a mother of two. Neatly, he tucks his notebook and letters underneath his pillow and jumps down from the bunk.

Gabe claps his hand over James' shoulder as he leads him through the corridor to the mess hall. He kept close to Gabe so he could follow him through the lot of soldiers. When they make it to their destination, there's a table full of men, their expressions all friendly. "James, meet _Dum Dum,_ " Gabe held his hand out to the large men to his left. He was an English man, the second born of a family of seven strong boys and two daughters. His mustache was long and twisted outward, covering his top lip like a blanket. " _Montgomery_ , but we call him Monty," Monty sat to the first man's right. Monty was also and Englishmen, brown hair with a thin mustache, his facial expression was stout- but for a man like him, he was rather loud. 

Gabe continued to introduce the men at the table in order. "That's _Jim_ , believe it or not, his mother is American," Gabe chuckles and James chuckles along too, nodding his head as Jim raises his glass to him. Gabe then directed his attention to the last man seated at the table, "And last but not least, _Jacques_ , my good friend. _Pouvons-nouns montrer à notre ami James un bon moment?_ " Gabe smiled at the man. The man was a Frenchman, a kind one too with a booming personality. James had seen him a few times around the barracks, but for most of his time here, James kept to himself. " _Oui mon ami_." 

Gabe sat James down in between Monty and Jim, and so naturally, they all clicked. The men talked about life before the war, what they did, who they hung around, the women they used to date. The attention turned to James as he sipped on some water that was handed out to them. "Life before the war was pretty cut and dry. I wrote to my sister, I was living with my best friend, and the women," He paused for dramatic effect, his expression naughty and yet casual, it made the men wolf whistle and laugh with encouragement. James spoke like he was laughing, "They kept coming by the pairs."

"Twins too?" Dum Dum asked him.

James grinned to himself. "I courted a pair back in high school. The Denali sisters, they came from Alaska." The men erupt in laughter and excitement. At that moment, James felt a little bit at home. Even comfortable. He was making a little family here and he so badly wished Steve was here to enjoy it. James knew in the back of his mind that Steve would take to these men just as easily as he had. It would only be a matter of time.

-

After a few extra hours of training, everyone returned to their bunks. James climbed up to his and let out a long sigh as he laid over his covers. He let his mind aimlessly wander, he thought about his sister Rebecca. He made a note to himself that he would reconnect with her. She had to have grown up to be so pretty. He remembered, when they were small children, that Rebecca had the widest blue eyes he had ever seen. And her hair was so thick that their mother would have to ask their father to help her maintain it.

James smiled to himself as he reminisced about playing in a small makeshift playground that was a block away from his home. It was on a corner lot that was fenced off poorly. Kids from the neighborhood all piled in to play and live up their childhoods. He remembered walking Reb to the park, she was possibly four, and she looked up to her big brother a lot, followed him around like a puppy. She was so proud of him. Would she still be? He liked to hope so.

When their parents died, they were separated, but by a miracle, he received a letter in search of him. And to his luck, it was his sister. They had reunited once of the last ten or so years when they were kids in middle school. It happened by chance, her family had just so happened to move to New Jersey. They spent all of the seventh and eighth grades getting to know one another as best they could.

But before High school could start she had moved away to the middle of nowhere. As James turned over in his bed to lay on his side he prayed. He prayed over his sister and her children, and their father. He prayed over Steve and hoped that he was alright.

For a few more minutes, James still laid awake staring at the blank wall. Moments before he drifted off to sleep, a pair of e/c eyes came to mind and he smiled. When his eyes closed, he saw her entire face. She was still as beautiful as he remembered. As soft and elegant as a kitten, and just as daring and curious as one too. His kitten, his girl. _His love_. As James slept and dreamt of the beauty he so dearly missed, he had a subconscious thought. 

Isn't foolish, that he fell so head over heels for a woman in his dreams. That, when he ever found himself laying with another, he felt like it was a betrayal. 

The cold of the season seeped into the sleeping units, and James tossed and turned, he even pulled his blanket up to his chin to grasp some warmth but it wasn't enough– that is until the woman of his dreams held him in her arms. She kissed all over his face and sighed in content. _"I love you, soldier."_

* * *

Dear Steve,

I know it's been months since my last letter. Things on the front line are, in fewer words, complicated. We ran into a bit of a scuffle, and a lot of good soldiers either went missing or died.

Don't worry, I'm taking care of myself. I hope you are too. You should be. 

I made a few friends while here too, I think you'll like them. They guys and I are talking about visiting each other after the war, so you'll get a chance to meet them. They really stick to my title, and they say I'm really skilled with a gun. "An impeccable soldier" Colonel Philips said to me, he constantly reminds me of that whenever we keep up with training.

Hey Steve, remember all those years ago I asked you if you thought soulmates exist. I never really told you why I asked in the first place. Well, for a while I would have these dreams about a woman. A very particular woman, and Steve I think I'm in love, and that she's the one for me. She's beautiful, absolutely amazing. When I dream, I feel like I've known her my entire life, like she was the one made just for me. Her heart is kind, and she's tender. Her loving and the way she responds to me is fucking stellar to me. Excuse my language but, I can't help myself. Her eyes are the e/c-est of the e/c, so sensual, attentive, and sexy. Her s/c skin, is the softest, from what I could imagine. She's cute, maybe y/h. 

My feelings for her are so strong that my gut is telling me that one day, soon I hope, I'll meet her. And when I do Steve, I'll be serious this time. I'll actually court her, I'll take her on dates, and little vacations, maybe Romania. I know my mom said I had some cousins and an uncle who's blind living there. I'll take her to Paris too, and propose to her at the Eiffel tower because that's romantic. Steve, when I meet this girl I'd make her my wife. I'd protect her, from anything, and anyone. 

I wouldn't ever let her go. No matter the cost. But, I could only dream, right? And pray too. That I do meet her because the other ladies just don't do it for me anymore. 

Enough about me. How are you? Did you hear anything about the results of your physical you told me you went for? Have you been keeping out trouble? No fights? Oh, and are you still trying to enlist? I know it's kind of dumb for me to ask because I know you are. I'm just teasing you punk. Hey, if you do get in I'll introduce you to those guys I told you about. 

Be safe. You pal,

Bucky


	5. That's All I Ask

** February 1944 - Austrian Alps **

Bucky felt a flush to his cheeks as he stood near the edge of the tall and foreboding cliff. The rocks that stared back at him were sharp and slick, ice and snow framed the rocks into a beautiful weapon. A weapon that was so unsuspecting. And below, on the ground, the river was frozen over. He squeezes the loops that helped secure the belt around his waist. With another longing gaze, he turned his head away and walked back to the temporary camp where the other howling commandos stood, along with their captain, his friend, Steve. 

Steve had been going over the plan with Jacques because he was going to be the one following after Bucky on the zipline, and after him would be Gabe. The radios were setup, soldiers moved to their positions, and Steve stood up straight noticing that Bucky had only stopped over to fix his gear, and strap his guns to his body. When he turned his head, he found Bucky staring over the cliff to the train tracks, he walks over to stand by his pal.

After so long, Steve finally got what he wanted, he got to join the war. He got the opportunity to do some good, use himself as a tool of good, and best of all... He gets to do this with his best friend, someone who never stopped believing in him. 

As Steve stood beside Bucky, he thought of what Bucky said to him the other night. _ "So, are you ready to follow Captian America into battle?" He had asked Bucky. Bucky had smirked as he swallowed the last of his beer. "No," Steve was shocked but won over by the rest of what he said. "That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight, I'm following him." _ Steve smiled, truly with Bucky, it was to the end of the line. 

Steve's expression turned serious as his enhanced hearing picked up what was heard on the radio. Before Jim or Gabe could turn and even tell him, he would already know. "You remember when I made you ride the cyclone at Coney Island?" Bucky had spoken up at random. It was the first thing he thought of when he turned his mind away from the rocks of the Alps he currently stood on. Steve remembered that day instantly. "Yeah, and I threw up?" Steve internally groaned but he didn't show it.

Bucky chuckled and grinned softly. "This isn't payback is it?" Steve turned his head and looked around to the sky, a soft smile on his lips. "Now why would I do that?" Bucky shook his head, laughing to himself.

Gabe had spoken up, catching the attention of the old friends. He admired their friendship, their companionship. It was very rare to come across people that would forever be in your life, and Steve and Bucky found that within their friendship. Life long buddies. "You were right, Doctor Zola is on the train." 

From then on, the plan fell into action. As the train came bursting through, chugging along on the train tracks, one-by-one Steve, Bucky, Jim, and Gabe slid down on the zip-line. The plan was simple enough. Ride down to the train, disarm however many guards were on the train, and arrest Zola. The plan was simple. The plan was believable. And yet, the Howling Commandos did not have the element of surprise. HYDRA did.

HYDRA was a subgroup of the Nazi regime. It's leader Johann Schmidt, was a very determined man, and he was ambitious too. He took under his wing, Arnim Zola, a Swiss Doctor. They formed HYDRA to be unstoppable. Their plans for New world order and Global domination was full proof to foresee generations. And with the help of an ancient artifact, they truly did seem unstoppable. Their artifact helped them produce drones and weapons with too much power. Robots worked better than the common machine, with weaponry that could replace an entire fleet of soldiers. 

As Steve and Bucky fought off the mechanic beast as best they could, a blast so powerful knocked them away, and the side of the drain was missing. Another blast stopped Bucky from his heroic moment, to save his best friend as he had done so time and time again. Instead, Bucky held on. He held on for his life as the cold snow riddled wind whipped his body with a force. He held on because he knew Steve would need him for the rest of this mission. He held on because he knew that when the war was over, he would travel the entire globe searching for the woman in his dreams. He held on because... Bucky didn't want to die knowing he didn't get to have a love to call his own. Steve had run to him, held his hand out, but the train was going too fast, with all the wind their vision was obscured.

And sadly...  _ Bucky had to let go. _

-

James wept. It was soft in pathetic as his body lay limp and rigid on the soft snow. He wept as he forced himself to see through the pain of his broken bones and pounding head. He reached out with his arms. His right ached so severely his weeping turn to little cries, his left arm, however, felt missing. He was in pain, but he felt less than whole. Trying to turn his head proved too much and he passed out.

"Lord," He croaked in his daze of pain and euphoria. "I know... we don't speak often but," He coughed and shivered as the small flurries of snow began to blanket him. "I just ask that I make it."

James had been blinking and blanking in between his prayer. His body was moved, and he cried out a heart-piercing scream, more tears welled up in his eyes, skewing his vision so much that when he looked up into the blue sky he hoped he wasn't in heaven. "Please, that's all I ask. I- uh," He swallowed as he was jerked around, he kept his eyes closed then. "I wanna see her." His mind did it's best to conjure her face as he battled the pain.

He hardly heard the voices of the soldiers as they carried him through the snow and to their automobile. "And, could you..." The pain was beginning to drag him down into unconsciousness. "Protect Steve. He's a... a... punk... but he's... my friend. You have to please..."

The soldiers carried him snickered to themselves as he passed out from the loss of blood, and the pain coursing through his body.

* * *

The pain was mind-numbing, scalding hot, and torturous. James thrashed about as the surgeon tried to clean up the gash of his missing arm. His eyes were thrown open, he was panicked beyond being consolable. The men dressed in white put away their medical tools, and outdated surgical wear, they prepared needles of morphine to sedate him. "Where the hell am I?" He screamed, his heart was pounding in his chest.

There was an awkward sensation as he looked down at his missing arm. His arm...  _ My arm _ , he panicked further. One surgeon in white grabbed his shoulder to push him down onto the gurney but James fought. "Get off of me." He through his shoulder forward to remove the man's hand. "poluchit' aktiv pod knotrol'." One of them had said, and more doctors pulled him down onto the gurney.

The surgeon with the needle gripped James' only bicep and forces the needle into the vein in the bend of his arm. The liquid morphine slithered through his veins as his heart raced. Soon he became loopy, his eyes fluttering as his vision and mind fogged. The sedative worked as it should have and soon James was relaxed enough for the surgeons to continue working on his arm.

Doctor Arnim Zola walked through the surgery room and appeared at James' side. "Sergent Barnes, I advise you to stay as still as possible the surgeons fix you. It would be a shame to have to put down such a good prospect for Paperclip." The doctor spoke English well despite his thick accent, his voice was chipper, his round chubby face a look of wonder and enthusiasm. James was terrified, but the drugs in his system made him submissive to the subliminal messages.

Soon enough James lost consciousness. 

-

When James came to, he felt the weight in his left arm. His mind was a foggy mess, his temples ached as he looked around. He looked to his hands, one human, the other robotic. The metal was smooth, sleek, and shiny. It looked to be before it's time, technological. James moved his fingers, willing in his mind that this robotic hand was his own. The fingers on his new appendage moved as if there was no hiccup. 

James could feel the way his nerves lit aflame with the neurons in his mind, as well as the wired neurons attached to his stump. A surgeon, dressed in white turned to face him, in his hand's needles with a grayish liquid stared hauntingly at James, it caused him to panic. When another turned to put him under control James reacted violently. With his left arm, his much stronger arm he punched and choked one surgeon.

He had swung his other arm but two doctors held him down. James felt the immense power he hadn't released he had until he felt his heart speed up in his chest. Aggressively he shrugged them off of him and started screaming.

From behind him, he was hit in the head. More people crowded him, holding him down as something was secured on his head. His arms were held away from his body, strapped down by leather belts and cuffs. Dr. Zola was at his side. "Sergeant Barnes... the procedure has already started. You are to be the new fist of HYDRA." His voice remained chipper like he knew what he was doing was good. The mad doctor was happy with the progress he was making, with the knowledge that his science, his formulas were working. And soon enough he would get what he wanted.

"You have shown a great response to the serum I've concocted. You have excellent potential Sergeant Barnes." Dr. Zola looked ahead of him and to the soldier's waiting orders. He nodded his head and they readied the machine. "And soon enough, you will be our greatest weapon. Heil HYDRA."

Against his temples and over the left part of his head erupted in shocks. James screamed but a surgeon gagged him with cotton. The electroshock was long, it burned against his flesh, he felt it prick through the bone of his skull, and over the gelatin flesh of his brain. 

He pulled his arms against the restraints as the shocks vibrated and pulsed against his head. Tears pooled and fell from his eyes as he screamed his heart out, and like before James passed out.

* * *

James sat in the corner of a cell, his legs pushed up to his chest as he shook. He rocked himself with a daze in his eyes. His lips mimicked speaking, but his voice was silenced hours ago. He stared off into the darkness of his cell. His mind was empty, void of anything coherent. Except for a pair of e/c eyes. So he concentrated on that. James stroked his metal fingers on the shin of his leg as he continued to rock.

Minutes passed by as he imagined looking into a pair of e/c eyes. 

The doors to his cell opened and in walked two Soviet soldiers. They held batons, positioned them in a way to show their aggression. As a natural response James held his arms up ready to fight, but his mind was in a daze, and he hadn't anticipated feeling so delayed when he moved to strike one of them. The one to his right struck him with the blunt instrument first. And then the one to his left joined in on the beating.

The two soldiers dragged him off and through the long hallways of the base. James wasn't sure, but he felt as if was underground. Soon he was pulled into a large medical room. He was pulled down into a device and strapped down by large mechanical cuffs. 

Dr. Zola smiled at him as he consulted with another doctor. The men around him spoke in a different language. One he was foreign too. "Please," he begged and pulled at the metal. "Please I want to go home, bring me to a hospital." James continued to mouth off sporadic phrases.

He asked for Steve. "I gotta get to him, I promised-" James' face was forced to the left abruptly. His cheek stung painfully, causing him to whimper. His tears fell over his lids in rapid succession. The doctor, a scientist like Zola spoke to him rapidly. Zola spoke as well, speaking between English and German, but James had tuned them out.

Eventually, they threw his mind into the blender, shocking his skin, frying his brain. Zola had opened a red book, speaking smoothly and spaciously as he repeated phrases back and forth. English and German. They continued for hours before they moved on to the genetic mutation. They stuck him with needles, drew blood, and injected him liquid that made his blood feel like it was on fire. 

They worked him like a dog until he was a loyal slave. But it was only for a few hours. When he felt a headache come along, his mind would burst with his past, he would grow panicked and fight against his captors. More soldiers were assigned to contain the asset, they strapped him down to the machine, and again his brain was tested.

When James was returned to his cell, he was a shell of who he was months ago. He sat within the corner, rocking himself, staring off into the nothing of his cell. His eyes were dazed, pupils dilated. James wanted to figure out why his mind was so empty, but even the idea of questioning that hadn't come. He was a blank canvas. Swiming in his mind, looking through his eyes.

Not even his imagination of e/c eyes could cure him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you guys feel about a change in perspective?  
> ***
> 
> TRANSLATIONS:  
> >"poluchit' aktiv pod kontrol'" = Get the asset under control.


	6. Who Is Captain America?

**Fall 2013 - Boston Massachusetts**

The lecture hall was nearly silent as the class of twenty-three took their exam. In the second row from the top, seven seats down, and by the window, Y/n looked out to the changing trees. It was her favorite time of year. You loved the different colored leaves, the crunch of them when you stepped over them in your boots. As the wind blew in the air softly, you turn you e/c eyes down to the last few questions on the exam. 

Mentally you chuckled at the remaining questions. They were freebie questions, and it made you smile seeing as it gave you a break from destroying your brain, trying to remember fine details of American History. Truthfully, you weren't a fan of the subject, American history was so hostile and contradictive that it made your head hurt. But you were a sponge when it came to knowledge.

 _42.) What years did World War II take place?_ You wrote down the short answer: _1939-1945_ . You continued on to the next question. _43.) Who is Howard Stark?_ You smirked, your chin snuggled in your palm as you rested your weight on your forearm. Your short answer was simple: _A technological genius who aided in WWII_.

The last question made you snort out loud. Two people turned their heads to you in annoyance, you assumed they weren't finished with their test. You had only started the exam about twenty minutes ago and your exam time was two hours. Clicking the eraser to your pencil you steadied your hand. 

_44.) Who is Captain America?_

Short answer: _Steven G. Rogers._

As you closed the booklet you thought over the Howling Commandos/ Captain America unit, it was a sub-unit in the section of US History when you were going over the War. You thought about each member individually. The Captain, his Sergeant... James B. Barnes. You felt bad for him. According to your textbooks, he was the only member of the Howling Commandos that had lost his life during the war. His story was by far the most fascinating, but not a lot of the textbooks covered it so you did your own research. 

According to military notes about tactics and Captain America's great rescue, James as well as a third of the 107th division was captured. A handful of those soldiers were experimented on. When you went to dig deeper the trail ran cold so you repressed it until now. 

What would his life have been like if he didn't fall off the train? You wondered as you placed the booklet on your Professor's desk. He bid you good luck for your break. As you exited the lecture hall you pulled out your phone. You had just enough time to kill before you had to get ready and meet your friends for drinks. You thought to yourself, what would be the best thing to do to kill time. 

A relaxed smile rolled over your lips as you walked to your Jeep. You set a course to the mall, mentally writing down your shopping list. 

Today was a great day, it was Friday, you just took your last final, and now you were off the hook until January to finish off the year. Life was starting to look up, the pressure that was on your shoulders lifted just enough to make it feel like you could breathe again. As you came to a stop at a traffic light, you let your mind drift. Often times when you did daydream, you imagine silver. Sometimes, it would be dog tags around a man's throat. Or sometimes, the really thin ring around a pair of blue eyes.

But often as quickly as those daydreams come, they go or they're interrupted, like now. The car behind you beeped their horn and you straighten up, embarrassment bled on you s/c cheeks and you pressed the gas pedal.

-

You walked through your apartment door and collapsed over the arm of the couch after you swung the door closed. You groan and close your eyes. The weight of your body being elevated around your hips let blood flow to your brain. The headache that sprung on you out of nowhere began to subside but only a little bit. This headache wasn't like your normal migraines, you had talked to your doctor about them, but there wasn't much they could do. 

You had even fainted at the idea of an MRI. 

Your headaches, the intense ones, they didn't come often. The first time you had gotten one, you were about six years old. The pain was so much that you collapsed while everyone was gathered around to sing happy birthday. The pain was blinding, numbing, scalding hot. It felt as if someone put you next to a plug socket and stuck a fork within the little holes.

When you were brought to the hospital, the doctors found nothing wrong with you. You panicked when you saw them dressed in white, they crowded you while your parents held each other and looked on through the glass.

As a child, you never liked hospitals or doctors. You used to have such horrible dreams about surgeons. But as the years came, learning to power through those headaches made it easier to deal. It helped the most when there was added blood flow to your mind.

You don't know when you fell asleep, but when you woke up it was almost five, and your phone was buzzing by your head. You picked up the device, slide your thumb over the screen, and yawned into the receiver. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you yawn, and just assume you're already dressed for tonight." Amy scoffs into the speaker.

Quickly you sat up, stumbling and catching yourself gracefully. "No, but I can be ready in forty-five." You mumbled. 

Through your small apartment, you tracked to the bathroom, stripping items of clothes off of you as you headed to the shower. "Are you serious Y/n! Come on we're celebrating the semester's end and you're over here napping like a cat."

"Oh shut up, I'm in the shower now asshole." You rolled your eyes and hung up the phone. Your friendship with Amy was shaky. Sometimes you clicked like it the stars aligned, the best of friends, and then there were times like this when she met her stereotype and acted like a pompous ass. Stepping into the shower you cut on the spray and turned the dial as quickly as possible.

As normal though, you yelped and jumped when a blast of cold water hit you. It only took a moment for the water to heat up and soon enough you were surrounded by the warmth.

As you lathered your skin in soap suds, scrubbing firmly along your gentle skin, you thought again of the dog tags. You couldn't make out what they read. They were worn, but not worn enough that you couldn't tell where they came from, they were Military issue. There were two on a silver bulbed chain. The dog tags sat around a strong neck, settled right between two strong pecks. You closed your eyes and looked up, hoping to see a face, see distinctive features but instead, the face was shrouded in shadow. 

The only thing besides the silver around the man's neck was the light silver that shined off of his blue eyes. As you stared deeper into his eyes you could see so many emotions: Pain, torment, agony. So many negative emotions swirled in those eyes, but most prominent was the look of longing.

It saddened you, yet it made you wonder, did people look at you like that too? Did they see the way you would look out into the world around you and feel uncomfortably out of place? Did they see that you longed to be somewhere else, higher, or safer? Did they see the way you would amiably admire loving couples? "No," You hushed your mind. With a shake of your now wet hair, you pushed away those thoughts and continued your shower.

You scrubbed your body raw because that was the only time you felt clean like you got everything. You didn't like dirt that much. You often cleaned your body and your living space every day. As your friends would say, you kept up like a cat. And you were often by yourself too. You didn't make meaningful relationships with people often, and the ones that you did have took most of your energy.

You didn't want to ever present yourself as less than authentic when you gave your love to someone, whether it be romantic or platonic.

Taking a step forward, you let the hot spray wash over your face and body. You sigh internally, tonight should be fun.

* * *

With one last look in the mirror, you assessed your outfit and your makeup, making sure that you were wholly satisfied with what you were wearing. Otherwise, you weren't going to go out. At all.

You smiled at your choice of clothing. You wore a red dress that hugged all your curves lusciously. You paired your dress with low top black vans. It was never your thing to wear heels, no matter the event. Your dress stopped just above the tattoo on your left thigh.

A large rose, detailed in a way where it looked simple, but indeed was complicated. You didn't shade the design, you left it to its horizontal and diagonal lines. It was pretty, and it sat on your s/c skin like a sensual puzzle piece. You had gotten the tattoo done when you were fifteen, against your parent's knowledge. At the time you had been dating a bad boy, Riley. He was seventeen, had tattoos all over his arms, and smoke cigarettes. He was in a band too. 

He had convinced you, because he always thought of you like a flower, to get the rose. And because you had been wasted out of your mind that night, you agreed. A year and six months afterward, you broke up with him because your parents saw the tattoo, you had also heard rumors that Riley was talking to Amy... as to why you were still friends with her? You wouldn't be able to tell. 

You styled your h/c h/t into a half up and half down look. A few tendrils sat around your face, the rest of your hair around your shoulders. The ponytail that sat in the middle of your head, firm, and steady. When it came to your makeup you went simple and stylish. On your eyelids was a soft gold shimmer, with a tint close to your s/c skin, giving you a glittery persona. Like you were magical. Your top lip was lined darker, gloss was added on top to make your lips pop. A little bit of highlight was dusted on to your cheeks, and the more you stared at yourself, hyping yourself up for tonight your cheeks blushed. For good measure, you spritzed on your perfume and adorned jewelry of your choosing. 

Just as you were looking for your phone to text Amy and the others that you were ready your phone lit up with a text message. When you picked up your phone, you read over the unsaved number; Well it was saved but you never saved numbers as their names, just the actual phone number. The digits were immediately recognized and you unlocked your phone. 

_+1-617-8**-****: You really wanna go out and celebrate after what happened two months ago?_

The minor blush on your cheeks turned into embarrassment, why on Earth would he care? The text message came from a 'friend of a friend', only this friend of a friend has been in your life far longer than you would have liked to admit.

You've known Shawn since the two of you were three. He was a handsome guy, smooth brown skin, the prettiest dark gray eyes, and a stunning perfect smile. His hair was dark and short, he always kept it cut low so he could show off his wave pattern. 

The thing about Shawn is, he was so overtly convinced that you two were meant for each other. He tried everything in the book, he complimented you, bought you little things like books of poetry and flowers. He pretended to know you better than anyone, and although it was sweet that he paid attention to you in intimate ways, he rubbed you the wrong way.

It was your secret that you were submissive, there were certain things you would love to have someone else take the lead in when it came to your life. You liked it when someone, a strong man could come and guide you in the right ways.

You absolutely hated when people you don't give permission to, try to control you, dominate you in your lane.

It was an immediate turn off and Shawn did it flawlessly. He was always there, checking up on you, making appearances when he shouldn't have. It was so much that a good portion of your _Friends_ believed he was your boyfriend, worse yet your fiancé. You took a deep breath, calmed the many short and slick responses. You decided to shrug it off, getting worked up wouldn't help you in any way.

You texted him back: _What happened in New York was completely out of my hands. It's not like I have it on radar when a bunch of Aliens decided they want to invade Earth. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?_ You quickly switched text logs and told Amy you were on your way to the club near downtown, UnderBar. It was a lowkey place, cozy and dark.

The music they played wasn't the best, but you knew who was going to be DeeJaying tonight. 

_+1-617-8**-****: Y/n you know it's not safe right now. You're a beautiful girl, and equally as smart, but you can't always protect yourself. I don't want my girl getting hurt, why don't you just come here tonight? Or at least let me be your driver, where are you going tonight?_

The message dropped down as you scrolled to text your mother your whereabouts for the evening. You read it quickly once, and then again slower before it disappeared. _His girl?_ You thought to yourself. _Is the man dense or just dumb?_

You didn't respond to his message and opted to text your father instead of your mom. You knew, that at least if Shawn went to your dad asking where you were your dad would plant himself like a tree. Your dad liked Shawn, but your dad also knew how you felt about him, and you were always a Daddy's Girl so he sided with you.

You also knew, that if Shawn went to your mom, she would tell him no questions asked because she wanted you to end up with a nice boy like him. 

Your mother would go to your father after Shawn would ask about your whereabouts, and your father would tell her, but he would promise that she wouldn't say anything to Shawn, to which she would sadly agree too and lie to the obnoxious boy.

Although your mother had big plans, she also respected your feelings, even if sometimes she did things that would make you think otherwise; Last years garden party could test to that. 

So with a final look at your outfit, you spritzed on a bit more of perfume. You secured your phone in your small clutch that hung on your shoulder, the strap was gold painted silver chains a cute little thing. Your phone buzzed with two more incoming text messages. Messages you would never see until the next morning.

* * *

DJ Max stood off to the side as he watched you work your magic over the turntables. One headphone was tucked between your shoulder and ear, you had been nodding your head to the groove of the song you had playing, the crowd was pumped and dancing, the alcohol in your system spurred you on. 

You scratched the record on your left, then twice more before you scratched the one on your right. The next song on the queue began to play and the party roared with excitement. You grinned and reached over to DJ Max and he handed you your drink. Behind you, Amy, Saundra, Alexander, Mikey, and Malia enjoyed the _private party_ , if it weren't for your connections with the DJ and the bar owner they wouldn't get this kind of luxury. 

You could hear behind you Mikey and Alexander talking. It was loud so you couldn't make out much but for what you could, you internally cringed. "Dude just ask her out, so what if Amy gets pissed... together, Y/n's actually cool as fuck..." Alexander encouraged. Mikey seemed to be speaking lower, "She's her own person, I don't want to ruin her party... Amy..." 

DJ Max took over, you whispered in his ear what songs to play next. You wanted to help him score major tonight. There were a few music label reps on the prowl and it would've been the perfect opportunity to see your friend succeed. Maxwell had been your good friend since high school, although he dropped out sophomore year, you two continued to stay in contact.

When you turn around, Alexander and Mikey straighten up against the corridor that separated the main lounge from the private one. Mikey's face was red with intoxication. His smile was loopy as he stared down at you. Alexander looked a little tamer. His cheeks were as red as blood, and his eyes were the glossiest you've ever seen them.

"You guys having fun?" You asked them, you swiped Alexander's drink, and he groans. "Really? Mikey, give me your drink." He turned to his best friend, Mikey handed it over tossing under his breath. "I think I've had enough anyway." 

Tossing back the cherry shot, you hand the empty glass to Mikey. Your arms come around their shoulders and you have to stand on your tiptoes to even be level with them. "Boys, tonight we drink, we party, and we don't look back! We're almost done with college, and soon we'll be rich men. How about some shots!" Mikey's arm is around your waist as the three of you walk through the lounge and to the bar.

You don't see the way Amy, Malia, and Saundra stare at you as they dance with strangers. You don't see the way Amy leans into the whisper to the sexy stranger she's dancing with and leaves his side. Alexander and Mikey holler and yell as they agree with you. At the bar, you let Mikey pull you into his embrace, he sits on a barstool, staring up at you with a fondness in his eyes. You smile at him, drunkenly ignoring the adoration in his eyes. Mikey's curly blonde hair falls in his face, slightly obscuring his green eyes. 

He rests his chin on your shoulder, Alexander had been talking but because of the music you barely heard. It was a surprise that the bartender came to the three of you with a round of shots. Each of you took two. Amy slides up beside you with a fake smile plastered on your lips. "You all did shots without me? I'm hurt, guys."

Her brown eyes violently glimpse at the way Mikey holds you, and she grimaces. It was too sly the way she covered it up, but you said nothing, you willfully ignored the look and reached over to hug her. When it came to the intrapersonal relationships of your friends, you didn't know squat.

Therefore you didn't know that Mikey and Amy had been hooking up secretly for the better part of two years, and you didn't know that the girl all secretly hated you for clicking so easily with Mikey and Alexander.

In truth, you let yourself believe that, even though your friendships weren't always sunshine and rainbows, these were your friends. Your life long friends. They would be at your wedding, and possibly God-parents to your children. 

But part of you also knew that that wasn't the case. You couldn't place why you hugged Amy the way you did, or even why you flirted with Mikey all night, only to eventually find yourself in the bathroom stall.

Mikey's hands were hot as he held your body against his. His hips were erratic as he pistoned into you. Through your drunkness, you willed yourself to enjoy it, but the sex wasn't that good. Your body did its job, you were able to accommodate him but you felt nothing. You could never understand why that was. For the three people you had sex with, Mikey now included, you never got off. It was by chance that the first time you did, but since then it was like nothing. So you didn't have sex often, if not at all. 

"I love you," Mikey cried drunkenly. "God Y/n I love you so much," His kisses were sloppy on your neck. "You're so perfect."

A deep and weighty feeling settled on your chest. In hindsight, you had a feeling that something explosive was going to happen. In hindsight, you knew this would be the last time you'd ever feel like this again.

It was feeling, and as you do regularly, you ignored it. 


	7. Living My Life Like Its Golden

**Boston MA**

The sun filtered into your bedroom through your blinds and drapes. Your head swam as you opened your eyes. It felt like you slept for over a hundred years, and yet you were as drunk as you were before you stumbled into your apartment. It was impressive really, how your body refused to let you take the consequences of a hangover. You either woke up, still drunk or completely sober with no aches and pains. Slowly you sat up, you stretched your arms, and rolled back the skirt of your dress. To your relief, you were alone in your bed. 

You remembered last night clearly. After having drunk sex with Mikey, he cried on your shoulder a bit and told you how much you meant to him. You were so drunk that you couldn't even come up with words to string along into a coherent sentence. You had walked out of the bathroom with Mikey close by, he kissed your cheek and thanked you. The group of you drank and continued to party, that was until your phone went wild. You had a total of thirty-seven unread messages and forty missed calls, even two emails... all from Shawn.

As you sat in bed, looking out the window to your city, you were thankful you plugged your phone into the charger and connected it to your speaker. Soft hits from The Beetles, Fleetwood Mac, and other various artists played. Your morning felt perfect. The perfectly crafted morning after. 

Only for it to be ruined by banging at your door. It didn't take a genius to know who it was. "Y/n I know you're in there, come to the door." 

With a groan, you got out of bed and took your time. You peeled off last night's dress, wiped your face clean of makeup, and tossed on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. You pulled back the white door, your hand on your hip as your hair sat messily atop your head. Shawn stared down at you, a look of concern in his dark gray eyes. "I was worried about you last night. I called _and_ messaged you." He took a step forward inviting himself in. 

Shawn had noticed the large hickey on your neck, and now he was on a mission. "I even called your mom, but she didn't know where you were." He glanced around your one-bedroom apartment, his eyes not so skilled at hiding his intentions. He looked through your open bedroom door looking for any signs that you weren't alone. Then he turned to look at you.

You had still been standing by the door, the door wide open, your hand on your hip as you faced him. "So where were you last night?" He asked and crossed his muscular arms over his chest. "I was out." You frowned at him, your vision was a little glossy as you stared at him through your glasses. "Who are you? My mother?"

"No, I'm- Jesus are you hungover?" He approached you and cupped your face, tilting your head up to him. You let go of the front door to cup his wrists and remove his hands from your face. The door closed as you put some distance between you. You stumbled as you walked to your open kitchen. "No, I'm drunk." 

Shawn followed you to the kitchen, still looking over his shoulder to the bathroom. He hadn't heard the shower running so he let his suspicions relax. You, however, noticed right away what it was that he was doing. You turned around rolling your eyes, you reached up into a cabinet to grab a cup to pour yourself some orange juice. You felt him before you saw him, and when you turned around Shawn dared to cage you between his body and the corner of the countertop. "You didn't answer my question Y/n," His gray eyes were hypnotic, and it made you uncomfortable. Your skin felt like it was pricking with pin needles and nerves, Shawn wasn't touching you, skin to skin but you could feel his energy, his vibe. And you didn't like it, he was taking the wrong approach, and you were far too drunk to want to be anywhere near him. "Where were you?" 

His eyes studied your passive features, trying to read the secrets and thoughts behind your e/c eyes. Unfortunately, your mask of indifference was convincing, and he felt duped. Shawn had studied some of your mannerisms, and he so badly wanted to be that guy for you. You were just too stubborn to see that. "Give me like fifty feet dude." Your eyebrows jerked together only for a moment, you looked at him, flashing your concern with his idea of personal space, and then you moved from between him and the counter.

You pulled back the refrigerator door and grabbed the orange juice. "I went out to a club with my friends, it was finals week and well," You poured the open glass pitcher of orange juice into your small frosted glass. You looked at him as you put it away and closed the refrigerator door. "I kind of wanted to have at least a few weeks to myself before being surrounded by the family for Thanksgiving."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "You know your family and I care greatly about your safety Y/n. You should've informed someone of your absolute whereabouts. What if something happened to you?"

"I told my dad, he knew where I was. I was safe. Like seriously Shawn, I'm twenty-two. I can take care of myself perfectly fine." You gestured to your apartment. Although it was fairly new, it was nice. Not too expensive, and quaint just like you've always dreamt. You didn't come from a rich or comfortably-wealthy family, unlike Shawn. Your family made sure you have been taken care of, while also teaching you to take care of yourself. Now you're an adult, your own person. You're on the path you longed for, you're in school, with a job that pays more than well. Your parents are doing what they wanted, living life how they wanted. And they supported you every step of the way. 

But clearly, Shawn had an issue with your independence. He narrowed a pointed look at you. "Clearly not since you're still drunk, you have a hickey the size of the moon on your neck. What if you got hurt or wor-"

"Are you trying to say I'm a sloppy drunk?" You took offense to what he said, cutting him off sharply. Having finished your orange juice, your mind cleared up easily. You were coherent enough to fully use your brain, read between the lines of what he was saying to you. "How dare you? I was with my friends and they had my back. Not that it's any of your business, but I was with Mikey when I got the hickey." You placed your cup in the sink.

Leaning against the counter by the sink, you crossed your arms over your chest and faced him. Shawn had kept his mouth closed, he watched you, it was clear on his face that he was stunned. He didn't mean to offend you. But you weren't done. "Besides, I think I'm pretty capable of defending myself. Do you not know who my father is?" 

The question burned Shawn as he looked away and then back to you again. The fire in his eyes relit and you wanted to outwardly groan. Of course, he would try and have a rebuttal against every point you just made, he'd been picking apart what you had said. "Yes Y/n, I do know who your father is. But you forget you have me, I'd do anything for you. I want you safe at all times." He got close and tried to caress the soft skin of your face, you avoided his attempt. "I want to make sure my future wife knows I'm available at all times."

Your eyes widened. "We are not getting married," You laughed sarcastically, and humorously. "Shawn, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm not your fiancée, let alone your girlfriend. We've never even been on a date." You pointed out.

Shawn smiles and shakes his head. "I've been letting you have your fun, get your premarital jitters out. I am upset that you didn't wait for me, but that's okay. We'll have the rest of our lives to figure out what works best in bed."

"Do you even hear yourself right now?" You deadpanned, your eyebrows raised at him like he was seriously an idiot. What kind of obnoxious asshole did he think he was? Who the fuck died and made him part of the Fates? Let alone a candidate for telling you how to work in the bedroom. "No like seriously, do you hear yourself?" 

"Y/n, I already put the paperwork into action. All your parents have to do is sign the dotted line. And honestly, I think they will. Especially your mom. She adores the idea of us." Shawn cupped your face and held you close to him. "We'd make the cutest children Y/n." 

Your stomach dropped when his skin touched yours. You felt as if you'd collapse with the way your mind spaced out at what he said. Shawn's skin was warm and comfortable, but it made you want to hurl. Your cheeks paled, and the glossiness returned to your e/c eyes. Shawn found your speechlessness cute, he chalked it up to you think about the future with him, your future children. In reality, after your mind spaced, a pair of blue eyes flashed to you. A quick and somewhat blurry image of a man's face came to you. His eyes and his lips are what you remembered most. He seemed to be handsome, and it made you sad because the potential of being married off to someone and not having control over your life was very much possible. 

Shawn kissed your forehead and then moved to your refrigerator. "Are you hungry? I can make you french toast."

* * *

_...You woke up cold. Around you, the meadow was wilting. The grass was brown, the flower's petals were nearly dust. The trees were as full as ever, but the leaves were an ashen burgundy. You could see from where you sat in the middle of the field, a man watched. You knew he was watching from the way he held himself, although you couldn't see his face you felt his attention._

Holding your knees to your chest, you watched him. He was tall, his hair was lengthy, stopping just at his shoulders. His shoulders were broad and they looked strong. His muscles looked big, but you could imagine they weren't threatening underneath his clothes. He had strong thighs and a powerful stance. 

The man began to move, he walked the perimeter, his eyes never leaving yours. It was then as he began to walk the perimeter, he was accompanied by a large white wolf. The kind of wolf you had seen in Twilight. Its eyes were a cerulean blue, so vibrant and capturing. The wolf had also watched you, just as menacingly as the man. When you blinked, the meadow seemed to get smaller. _The man was closer, and you could see, under the moonlight metal of dog tags. But your vision was weirdly focused on that aspect._

 _When you blinked again, you couldn't open your eyes, you felt the fabric of a blindfold. You were in a hot and cold embrace. And again, as your heart raced with anxiety, you blinked. Opening your eyes, you screamed horribly, the wolf had it's mouth wide open. It was growling viciously as it snapped its mouth closed_ –– You jumped awake. The blankets on your bed were pushed off of you, your hairline was drenched in sweat. 

Blindly, you reached to hold the comforter, your room was shrouded in darkness. You focused your gaze on your window, through the blinds you could see the shine of the moon through the dark clouds. Dark gray clouds that reminded you of Shawn's eyes, it was like a natural metaphor. The gray clouds cover and suffocate the moon's light, just like Shawn crowded your independent shine. 

You rest your left hand on your chest, feeling it thump ridiculously fast in your chest. You hadn't remembered the last time you had a nightmare... let alone this particular nightmare. The first time you ever had this nightmare, you had woken up screaming. You were roughly eight years old. Two years after having the nightmare of those surgeons in white. It made you wonder, what had triggered you to have this dream in particular? Usually, whenever you had certain nightmares, you tried to pinpoint what happened to you to make you come back to this. As a child, you had many nightmares, nightmares about childish things like monsters under the bed. And as you got older, your nightmares were appropriate for your age bracket. But those two dreams and those little daydream visions of the dog tags and blue eyes have remained constant. 

You got out of bed and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen. As you passed the window you glanced outside to the sidewalk. Across the street, two men in black trench coats and circular black tented glasses stare up at you. In your haze you didn't register it until you walked past the window completely, when you stepped back to look down, to actually look and see what was going on at... 3:46 am, there was nothing. 

You stood, staring, searching up and down the street with your eyes to find the two men. You were sure you felt and saw them watching you. But as another minute ticked on by, you weren't so sure anymore. 

-

"No- mom! Please. Do. Not. Invite them." You pleaded dreadfully into the phone. You rested your head against your steering wheel as you waited for traffic to proceed accordingly. But things hadn't been going your way the past couple of weeks, and with last night's nightmare still fresh in your mind, you were sure you couldn't handle any more stress. External or otherwise.

You called your mom, to let her know that you would be in Georgia before dinner. She had got on your case about speeding through the states, but you weren't listening to her. The two of you stayed on the phone for about an hour, catching up with one another and giving a brief rundown of what life was like for the past four months. She had just been talking about having the Lucas family over for dinner tonight. 

"Oh Y/n, don't be like that. You know Shawn is going to be there-"

"That's exactly why I am begging you, mom, don't invite them over. Can't my first night back home with you guys just be us?" You pressed on the gas pedal as traffic began to flow like a steady river, soon it was breaking up and you were able to zoom through the cars. "Y/n, baby, they're my friends. And what's so wrong with Shawn? He's a great kid. Remember when you two used to play princess and knight when you were little?"

"How could I possibly forget it if I'm reminded of it, every year?" You grumble and change lanes. Your mother berates you for your attitude and you apologize like the good daughter you're supposed to be. "Is Uncle Luke coming to visit too?" You ask quickly switching the conversation about who was going to be at your parent's house for thanksgiving. 

You hear your mother chuckle as she tells you "Yeah, he'll be there." At least one good thing was going to come out of the week.

* * *

The house was filled with family. Aunts, Uncles, and cousins you haven't seen since you were in high school were here, including some new additions to the family as well. You had been helping your mom decorate the house, set the table, and move around furniture before the first guests arrived for dinner. 

Sometime after your grandmother arrived, the Lucas family arrived. And Shawn was all over you. He was by your side, practically glued to you. He held your hand, kissed you by your temple, and even had the nerve to try and propose to you in front of the entire family. As he began to bend down on one knee you panicked and grabbed your car keys on the kitchen island. "I'm going to grab more ice."

And briskly, you grabbed your cousin Cj and hightailed it out of the house. 

"We aren't getting ice are we?" He laughed as you sped out the driveway. "No, I just needed some air honestly. He's so suffocating." You complained and Cj laughed. He brought up how the three of you practically grew up together. "He would always say that I would be his brother-in-law because you call me your brother. I never thought he grew up actually believing that shit."

You could only nod and laugh as the two of you drove around wasting gas. 

-

After hours, you and your cousins who were of age went out drinking. Around a circular table, you all held shot glasses. "To living life." you cheered and the seven of you all tossed back your drinks. It had been your eighth round... and just like the night before you were completely wasted. 

Trusting that they would be there when you returned, you excused yourself. "I really have to pee, I'll be back in a jiffy." You slurred and they nodded. Shawn, being the kill-joy that he was grabbed your arm and pulled you close. "Just hold it, we'll be back at your house in a bit." You shoved him off of you. "I have to pee."

Drunkenly, you stumbled through the small bar. It wasn't that crowded, and the bathroom wasn't that far from your table. Your cousins and Shawn waited patiently. They did another round without you, cheering to family, but when you didn't come back after it Shawn began to worry. "Dude, it's only been three minutes, chill out." Jordan rolled his eyes and glanced at Mya. 

Your cousins all knew Shawn, and they all knew how you felt. The guy was a control freak. He constantly checked his watch, watching as three minutes turned to five, and five turned to ten. When ten minutes turned into twenty, Mya and Mallory went to go check on you. They walked arm and arm with one another to the bathroom, laughing about something you did when you all were children.

"Y/n, Shawns has gone off the deep end girl," Mya started as she pushed back the door. They heard nothing in response and so naturally, they walked into the bathroom. There were only two stalls, and both were empty. Mallory went pale as she called out to you, she pushed back both stalls and faced Mya with panic. "She isn't in here."

Mya felt the nerves. "Maybe she's in the men's room-"

"I just checked," Shawn growled annoyed. "I knew I shouldn't have let her go by herself. She should've just waited."

"Or you could've been a gentleman and went with her!" Mya snapped at him, Mallory crossed her arms, and although Mya was right she felt a hint of guilt. "We should've gone with her. I'm gonna ask if anyone saw her walk by,"

But you didn't just walk by, you didn't just accidentally take the wrong turn. So the two girls went to ask the bartender, and Shawn went back to tell the rest of your cousins. An hour passed, and nobody in the bar seemed to know who they were talking about when they went to different tables and couples.

Another hour went by. You were gone without a trace. When the police were called, and they of course demanded to see the CCTV, and the cameras caught you walking into the bathroom... but that was it. You went in and never came out.

Which was odd because the bathroom didn't have any windows.


	8. Please, Get Me Out Of Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is it real now? When two people become one, I can feel it. When two people become one. Thought I'd never see, The love you found in me. Now it's changing all the time. Living in a rhythm where the minutes working overtime."  
>  ~ Empire Of The Sun

** January 2014 - Winter, Unknown **

Your vision went in and out. You woke up, seeing the air around you fall around you thickly, your skin felt like ice. Slowly, your eyelids fall closed. You are surrounded by the darkness, your mind was hazy, you blinked. The lights around you were blinding, you speak out, your voice raspy for not speaking for so long... but how long had you been like this? How long had... you couldn't remember. Again, your eyes closed and you were surrounded by darkness.

You woke up with a start. You laid on your side, facing cold leaky gray bricks. There was a crook in your neck as you sat up. Your body was rigid, shaking with cold. Looking around you take in your surroundings. The bed squeaked underneath your weight as you looked around. You heard the bustle of chains, and when you kicked your legs off of the bed you felt the heaviness of a metal cuff.

Panic set in and reared it's ugly head as you stood to your feet and tugged the chain with your ankle. "No," You gasp and crouch down to pull at the chain and cuff. "No, no, no, this is not happening." You yelp, but your voice is hoarse like you've been screaming for dear heaven. 

Your fingernails began to bleed as you tried to pry the chains, or even pull it off and break the cuff. The chain and cuff were old, and a bit rusted with time. It should've been easy to bust, but this wasn't a movie, this was real life and you were chained to a bed... You looked to the thin mattress laid over an iron bed frame. The room, rather, the cell you were in was cold and wet.

It made the tension in your bones ache harder, the panic in your heart doubled. Your mind felt like that one episode of Spongebob, where all his mini-selves panicked and burned everything in their files, but the only difference was, the mini-yous in your head was freaking out that the files were missing. There was nothing. Until a little slip of memory hit you. As you brought your hands up to pull on your hair, you noticed the blotches along your skin. Like you were thawing out. 

More panic settled on your chest.

The large stone door made a nasty creaking noise as it was pulled back. In walked a man dressed in black. His skin was olive toned, he looked mean, his arms bludged in his tight black shirt. He was dressed extensively, and he wore an earpiece with a clear spiral. He leveled you with a nasty glare as another man, dressed similarly entered the room too. 

A lab coat entered, the man's hair was slicked back, in his hands he held a clipboard. Another man walked in, this man was dressed nicer, a light blue suit. He was older, and he looked like a politician, although you weren't sure. Your brain literally, was useless to you. You could barely remember yesterday. "Can you understand me, dear? Can you hear me?" The man in the suit asks.

You nod slowly, swallowing thickly before you parted your surprisingly soft lips. You assumed they would be chapped because you sound as if you were a smoker. "Where am I?" You ask, although your voice was raspy, it had a nice sensuality to it. The men that surrounded you smiled, some of their smiles, very unnerving. You swallowed again. "Do you know what time it is?" 

"It's about," The first man who walked in checked his watch and spoke up for the man in the suit. "Time for you to stop asking questions." 

The man in the suit went red in the face. "Rumlow," He sneered at the man. The man, Rumlow didn't turn his attention from you. He looked at you subjectively. His green eyes were sketchy, he looked like a ticking timebomb. He reminded you of an unhinged animal, moments away from pouncing. And it didn't help, with the way that he was staring at you that you noticed his pants growing tighter. "Please," You begged and looked among the men around you. "Get me out of here. I want to go home."

"You see dear," The man in the suit began to speak again as the man in the lab coat walked over to you. The other man, dressed like Rumlow, walked to you too and snatched you from the ground. "You've been selected to aid us with a very important vision. Your life is precious to us." The man in the suit squatted in front of you. Your hair was in front of your face as you looked at him. 

His smile was friendly enough, believable, but you felt deep within your gut that he was a dangerous man. The guard, gripped your arm tighter as the lab coat brought a skinny light to your eyes. As your eyes refocused, you realized that you were seeing the men in the room clearly, you didn't feel your contacts and you weren't wearing your glasses. "Patient seems to have taken to the treatment. Quiet well in fact, better than the others." The lab coat spoke to the man in the suit. He pushed up his glasses and then looked over his clipboard.

"We should begin the reproductive trial. If she can handle the hormone, then I see no reason to delay bringing in the asset." The man with the suit clapped his hands together proudly. "Excellent!" He looked at you. "You are our greatest accomplishment this year."

You turned your head up at that, silent tears falling down your face. Your shoulders shook with your silent cries. You don't know why you were crying, but something within told you that this wasn't the first time you've met this man. "What year is it?" You ask nervously?

"Why, it's twenty-fourteen." He grinned, and this time his grin was sinister. You felt cold prick over your shoulders. The other guard and Rumlow pulled you to your feet. It was harsh when you were yanked forward. With your arms pinned behind your back, guard #2 unshackled your ankle. You were shoved forward onto your feet. "Dear," The man spoke but you yelled.

"NO!" The room went quiet, the men stared at you in shock. "I will not be treated like a lab rat. I want to go home, you've kept me long enough." You glared through your tears, the men shared looks. Rumlow was the first to laugh. The man in the lab coat exited the room first, and the man in the suit sighed. "Y/n, don't make this difficult. We have no problem putting you back in Cyro if need be. But wouldn't be nice to not miss another six weeks of your life?"

Rough hands pull you up and you struggle. "No! Let me go!" You thrashed, tried to plant your bare feet into the concrete but your efforts were futile. You felt weaker than average like you were just some fragile woman. You felt how Shawn looked at you to be. "No!" You managed to get one arm free and you struck Rumlow against his face. The shock of your heavy hand stunned him and he let you go. 

You scrambled backward and got to your feet. The hallway you were in was very long and didn't look to harbor that many forms of escape but you took your chance anyway. With the small head start you had, you bolted. Your anxiety pumped through your veins like heroine, your shapely legs carried you far enough. "Go get her!" One yelled behind you. 

The first pair of double doors on your right led you to a giant room. In the center, a man with a metal arm sat on a giant mechanical chair. His expression was passive, unreadable yet murderous. He had been sitting, listening dutifully as a man dressed as a soldier spoke to him in a different language. The men around the room looked at you with anger, but that anger turned to shock when they recognized who you were. Quickly, you skidded and turned to leave but ran into someone's chest. 

Rumlow struck you across the face and you dropped. Clutching your left cheek you backed up, scrambled until you were directly underneath the man sitting down. You clutched his leg protectively hoping he would step in, but he didn't.

The man with the passive expression turned his eyes down to you. You had been wearing an old asylum dress. The straps were thin on your shoulders, but the neckline was boxy and it stopped just above your knees. You h/c h/t were sloppily thrown about over your head and face. But from the quick glimpse of your face, he knew you were beautiful. The asset had stared at you a little longer, watching as you tried your best to fight off Brock Rumlow, one of the enforcers that flanked him on his missions often. The asset. didn't like Rumlow that much, and it angered him even more seeing him handle you the way he did. So the asset stood to his towering height of six-foot-seven, he balled up his left fist ready to strike.

"ENOUGH!" The man in the suit hollered and you froze, like a child being scolded for being too reckless. You trembled in Rumlow's grasp. Your cheek was starting to swell, your arms tender and sore from the grabbing. You were sure you were going to have millions of small bruises in the form of fingerprints. All too quickly, you were snatched out of Rumlow's grasp. A hard, cool hand gripped the back of your neck.

The men and soldiers and doctors around looked at you and whoever was holding you with wide eyes. " _ Aktiv, opusti devushku. _ " You felt confused, and soon you were lowered down to your feet. Your legs shook so much that you crumbled, but the same hard and cool surface that held you by your neck secured itself around your waist. You looked down and saw a skillfully crafted, metal forearm. It tightened around you and you gasped.

Turning your head as best as you could, you saw his hard features, the look of determination on his face. His blue eyes were cold and focused. His dark hair framed his face like a dark Picasso masterpiece. " _ Aktiv, opusti devushku. _ " Another soldier spoke, they approached, batons at the ready, needles filled with graying liquid. 

The asset felt you tremble, he felt your eyes. Your sad e/c eyes that reminded him of something. Something he couldn't put his finger on. Instinct told him to protect you, instinct told him to hold you tight and fight his way out. But he was compliant, and he let you go. You were snatched up, apprehended and a needle was injected into your arm. "What- what are you doing?" Your strangled cries began to soften. "What are- what... what are you doing... to.. me..."

The asset watched as your eyelids grew heavy with the strong dose of morphine they gave you. He watched as, through your sedated state, you still fought. "I... I want to.. go... home..." Internally he felt proud, you had a strong spirit, that was admirable. One of the lab coats sat him back down, the held out his metal arm so they could continue his repairs. "Vy poluchite svoy priz, kogda ona budet podgotovlena." The lab coat spoke to him, and he nodded. He would get to see her again. 

That was promising.

-

You cried as they kept you strapped to the gurney. Your head lolled to the side as you tried to resist whatever they injected with you. Your body had grown hot, a sweat broke along your hairline, you felt arousal pool between your legs. "I... please, I just... home." Your words made no sense.

In your sedated state, the doctors and scientists were able to conduct a series of tests. They tested your blood for any potential diseases, and they tested for any hereditary diseases. They gave you another dose of morphine before injecting you with a hormone serum. This serum would produce more estrogen in your body, it would alter the number of fertile eggs inside of your ovaries. "She's capable of producing fertile eggs." One doctor spoke. "The asset has a different DNA pattern, one cryptic. The offspring would have a better chance of fruition with a cryptic egg. Her body is impressive, taking well to the modifications." Another spoke.

The man in the suit came into view, but you were too out of if to continue to pay attention. You swam in your mind as they spoke amongst themselves. "So, having the perfect super soldier baby? It's possible, yes?" The man in the suit, His name, Alexander Pierce. The lab coat nodded his head. Mr. Pierce looked down at you as you began to go unconscious. 

"This is going to change history, not only for HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D but for America as well. We wouldn't need armies, just a few of them. And with the Asset as their face, we would lead the world into a new age. Heil HYDRA."

* * *

You woke with a start in your cell, but this time you were chained down by your arms, and you couldn't see. The mattress under you sunk further between the bars it sat on. Your lower back ached terribly and was hungry. Your body felt tired and battered like you suffered a beating, but besides the dull ache of minor bruises and the one on your cheek, you were relatively fine. Relative being the operative word. 

You took the time to examine your body. Immediately, you noticed that between your legs was warm, warmer than usual. At the thought of your most sensitive area, you felt a tingle. Instinctively you pressed your legs together to quell the sudden rise of arousal. Quickly your mind moved to your attire, sending thanks to your lucky stars, you were glad to know you were still wearing that God awful dingy dress. It covered you considerably and that was the least of your worries. You admired the soft fabric of the blindfold over your eyes. It was tied tightly against your head, with no care, but the material didn't irritate the skin of your eyelids and face. 

Around your wrists were fabric ties, this material did irritate your skin, it was itchy, and as you twisted your wrists and pulled, the rough fabric marred your skin red. Only a minute after you began to wiggle around you picked up on the sound of footsteps. 

Whoever was walking either had to be huge, or they were wearing large boots. The person, or persons, walks past your cell and you're left to be alone. Somewhere in your cell, you hear leaking, a steady rhythm of dripping water on to the ground. You also heard the small squeaks of mice, making your skin crawl. Fatigue settled in on your body, and soon you felt drowsy. 

Who knows how long you sat awake, wiggling in your restraints. At least your legs were free. Taking the opportunity you fell into a deep, almost dreamless, slumber. Again, your mind thought of silver as you slept. The cold of the image made you shiver, but you were too helplessly inviting it in, letting the cold consume you further as your dreams brought you back to the dying meadow.

Only this time, you were alone, sat with the dog tags in your hand.

-

Time seemed to not exist for you. When you woke up again, you were still tied down to the thin mattress, your stomach growled loudly indicating you were hungrier than before. Trying to sit up, you pulled at your restraints but it was no use. "Hey!" You scream. "Hey, I'm in here! I can't see anything! Help me!" 

Your shouting grew louder, you tossed in your complaints of hunger, and being uncomfortable. You were screaming until your voice gave out. It had been a good passing of time, when you were on the brink of passing out, the door to your cell opened. Two sets of footsteps entered your cell. You felt their large body masses, their dark auras, as they towered over you. One of them untied your wrists. You reached to pull the blindfold off but another one smacked your hands away. 

Whimpering, you sat up and pulled your knees to your chest. "Open your mouth." One spoke. His voice was deep, recognizable. The man had a dark chuckle to his words, sinister and nerve-wracking. Slowly, you shook your head, backing up until your back hit the cold bricks. "I said," You felt the man with the mean voice pull your hair and force your head back. "Open, your mouth." 

The sound of a zipper made the blood pumping in your veins pump colder. You shook your head, your arms are stretched out, and your pushing at his chest as he wrestles with you on the bed. "You have ten minutes Rumlow." The other person in the room muttered, the door to your cell closed and you screamed. "Get off of me! NO!" You scratched at him.

His hand swung against your face and he held you down on the bed by your throat. "C'mon don't fight it. You're probably craving me huh?" You felt his rough fingers push up the skirt of your dress, he settles his knee between your legs as you continued to fight. "No, stop! STOP!" You scream louder. His fingers tighten around your throat and you choke. 

Fear pulsed in your mind as you you clawed at his wrists. His fingers teased at your sex and you mentally cursed yourself for how aroused you were. He chuckled and you felt his lips kiss along your face. His slid a finger between your lips, curling them inside you cunt. You convulsed and pushed harder against his chest. "Lying are we little girl?" He sneers in your ear. "Please," You tried to breathe out, pushing at his wrists. You felt as if you were going to pass out. A monitor started to beep erratically and soon the door to your cell was swung open. 

The force of the stone door being torn open made you freeze. Rumlow jumped from your body quickly, he faces Alexander Pierce and the Asset, as well as two doctors. "What the hell are you doing in here?" Pierce berates him, the Asset stood motionless. His eyes were on you, you had turned on your side, holding yourself as you cried. Your knees were too your chest as you cradled yourself. Rumlow kept his eyes low, there was no way for him to lie and excuse his behavior. "Get the hell out of here." Pierce snapped at him.

Rumlow made a quick exit or at least tried too. The Asset stood in his way, a murderous fury in his eyes. A doctor grabbed his arm as he got close to Rumlow's face. With a harsh grit to his words the Asset said, " **_ Ona moya. _ ** " and resumed his stance as an unmoving statue. 

The doctors shared a look with one another before one reached out to Pierce. He stood beside Pierce and in a hushed tone, whispered by his ear. "The Asset has already grown an attachment to the patient-"

"Will this affect our results negatively?" Pierce asks annoyed as he watched you weep silently. Your shoulders shook with terror. "No, but if he assumes too much of an attachment it could-"

Pierce turned to the doctor and choked him. "I don't give a shit, we're asking him to fuck her as a chore. If he likes the girl the better. It's all the same. I want those soldiers and I mean it." Alexander released the doctor with nastiness in his eyes. He ordered him to grab you and he did as was told. The Asset had paid attention, listened to his words, and internalized them. He let his blue eyes trail over to you, he watched you fight against the doctor. "I need help." The doctor called out and looked at him. The Asset looked to Pierce of his orders. "Go, get her under control." He waved off.

With a sort of glee, a masked glee, the Asset approached and the doctor moved out the way. You had scrambled back against the bricks. With shaky hands, you reached up and tore off the blindfold. Startling, light-blue eyes stare at you. You're frozen in place, entranced by the man in front of you. He reaches out to you with his right hand, when you don't take his off her he grasps your ankle and pulls you forward. 

Your shocked silence is bubbling with panic. "No! Let me go!" You kicked your other leg out and kicked him against his abdomen and his chin, to which he didn't even move or flinch. "No, no, no, getaway!" You hollered and tried to crawl away. The Asset growled, growing annoyed with your fighting, he yanks you forward and up into his arms. 

A deep cold sets tightly around your waist. Your back is to his chest, and you feel his hair tickle the side of his face. His lips ghost just beside the shell of your ear, his voice is low and deep, and he whispers to you in a tone soft enough just so only you could hear him. "I'm not someone to be afraid of Котенок, now behave." Although gentle, his voice was very firm, and he left no room for arguing. 

Slowly, he settled you on to your feet, giving you enough room to turn around and actually look up at him. The Asset was tall compared to you, he was tall and very strong as you had just witnessed. But, you had never seen such a gentle touch to his hard blue eyes. Blue eyes that felt familiar but you couldn't place where you saw them. His features were relaxed instead of set in stone. He watched you steadily. 

Alexander and the two doctors had watched how he snatched you up and held you for only a moment before letting you go. They watched as the Asset put some space between you, leveling you with a look, one they couldn't read before he resumed his position behind Pierce and waited for further instruction. You didn't remove your gaze from the Asset. Even as he looked off into the hallway, you kept your eyes on him.

The doctor grabbed you by your arm and walked you past Alexander and the Asset. You took a left instead of a right. Looking over your shoulder, you stared at the Asset's back as he walked on with Alexander and another doctor.

* * *

The doctors took note of your sudden compliance. You didn't fight them when they strapped you down to the gurney. They brought a skinny light to your eyes, checking your pupils for dilation or trauma. They drew blood and injected you with more of the hormone serum. It was a relief that they didn't have to sedate you. As they left you to sit only you thought of the Asset. You thought of his eyes, so mesmerizing, so telling. You could read him, or at least skimmed him. You knew deep down, there was more to him. But what made you think of him the most was that he acted like a machine when he was around the other men. For the brief moment he held you in his arms, he didn't seem like the cold man he looked to be. There was a warmth to him, in his body and voice. A warmth you hadn't even realized that you missed. 

"Eat." The doctor held out a tray of what looked to be gray oatmeal. You swallowed thickly and took the tray with the bowl on it. You held it on your lap and ate silently. The doctors talked amongst themselves. They praise you and your genetic coding for withstanding the treatments they were giving you.

Their other prospects, other women that shared some similar features with you, failed. Usually, they died within the first few weeks of injection. While they rested in Cyro, their hearts would give out, or they would have severe organ failure. With you it was different. Your body took to the drugs and the Serum like it was an aid in your survival. 

"Do you think?" One doctor asks but he stops himself as he looks at you. You had your e/c eyes casts down, your h/t hair fell over your face. They would have to cut it soon. Unbeknownst to you, you've been in this facility for over three months now. "What?" the accompanying doctor asks as he reads over your blood results. "That she's the one? You know, the one the Asset calls out to at night- before she showed up that is?"

The doctor reading your results looked up and to you, and then he looked back to the other doctor who had been sneakily watching you. "Why do you ask?" The other doctor, Phineas, looked to his coworker, Trent. "Because I was there earlier when Pierce caught Rumlow in her cell. The Asset, he changed, told Rumlow that she was his."

"Well technically she is, I don't-" Trent gets cut off. "No I know that, but like..." Phineas licked his lips and looked at you and then back to Trent, "It was almost threatening the way he said it. And remember last week when she ran in during his tune-up? He immediately went to protect her, hesitated when he was given orders to let her go."

Trent looked at you, watched as you pushed around the oatmeal before you continued eating. "And remember, like two years ago he asked about a woman with a rose?"

"Yeah?" Trent looked to Phineas skeptically. "So what?" He shrugged. Phineas rolled his eyes, annoyed that Trent wasn't following along. "You idiot, look at her leg." 

The two of them looked to you again, your dresses skirt had shifted up exposing part of your thigh. Sure enough, there was an intricate rose design on your left thigh.  _ The woman with a rose _ , Trent looked at Phineas and the latter pulled out an outdated folklore book. "What are you doing?" Trent whispers as Phineas flipped through the many pages. He found a small passage and read it out loud softly. Trent's eyes widened as Phineas finished. "Are you saying?"

"It's possible." Phineas murmurs and glances at you over his shoulder. "It's very possible, but Pierce won't listen to me."

Trent looked to you again. "If she is, then..." He looked to Phineas with worry. "Then we need to stop operation Death-Fleet. The Asset is already attached."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRANSLATIONS:
> 
> >"Aktiv, opusti devushku." = "Asset, put the girl down."  
> >"Vy poluchite svoy priz, kogda ona budet podgotovlena." = "You will get to claim your prize when she is prepped. "  
> >"Ona moya." = "She is mine."  
> >"Котенок." or "Kotenok." = "Kitten."


	9. I’ll Reward You, Only If You’re Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know you don't trust me. I'm sedated, baby. Baby, did you drug me? Go on and ride it, ride it, ride it, go on and fuck me. Let's take a vacation, get away from the ugly. How long is forever? I don't know, But I want you forever, that I know. I hate it when you're gone, I'm alone; Baby girl, don't run from me, don't run, I want it."  
>  ~ Juice Wrld

** Unknown **

_...There was a sleepy smile on your face when you woke up in the night. The full moon was high in the sky, shining just above you. Midnight precisely. You looked around, softly, fear crept on your shoulders as you took in the dying meadow. As usual, there was a man in the woods. But this time, you could see clearly, the shine of metal.  _

The silver sparkled like diamonds, so shiny that the surface of the moon reflected off of it. The man took a step forward, but his dark hair sheltered his face. You turned your head sideways to get a better view, but no matter which way you turned your head you couldn't see him clearly. With apprehension, you got off of the bed, on steady legs you walked around the bed, putting more space between you and the man with the metal arm.

Behind him, the giant white wolf slept. It's snout tucked underneath his paw, it's blue eyes hidden by its soft-looking fur. You looked back to the man, he had stepped closer, but still remained sheltered behind the shadows of the perimeter. He never stepped into the light and you could only wonder why. Suddenly, when he walked the length of space, appearing before you with nothing in between the two of you he held out his hand. And not his flesh one, his metal one. 

The palm of his hand looked smooth, cool, and yet... sharp, slick, and biting. Nerves pricked at your shoulders, a sudden chilling wind blew over the safety of the meadow and soon the man in the woods was closer. You couldn't see his face but you felt him. All of him. His body was warm, a familiar warmth that felt like safety and security. Soft lips tease the shell of your ear, and soon the side of your neck.  _ Eventually, you feel them press firmly against the crook in your neck. He smiles against your skin. _

_ Then the palm of metal hand comes around your front, he grabs a handful of your b/s breast. His other arm is snaked around your waist, and he holds you intimately. Around you, the flowers start to grow. The night is turned back into day. And for once, in a long while... You feel okay... _

-

Your brain swam as you woke up. The first thing you noticed, when you sat upon the thin mattress was the tears in your eyes, big dollops that had run from your closed lids and soaked your cheeks. The second thing you noticed was the man from before. Surely, it had been days since the last you saw him, or rather, just a very long time. It was refreshing seeing him though. 

Often times, you would hear in the night... or day... screams. Loud and broken screams. They were his screams, you could tell, because afterward- when you were lucky that was- you would catch a glimpse of him being walked past your cell to his.

You've never seen where they kept him. The Asset stares at you, his expression stony but soft. His eyes linger on your face, your wet cheeks. "What's wrong Котенок?" He asks softly. His steps are silent as he walks to you. Quickly, you pull your knees to your chest. 

Nerves become you as you stare into his intense blue eyes. You could easily admit, he scared you. He was big, he had a metal arm. And, what felt like a week ago, you saw him throw not only one but two men through walls. His brute strength was terrifying, and when he turned his murderous gaze onto anyone, it made your blood run cold. You felt the weight of his metal arm, you knew he could crush you. The Asset's eyes soften as he sits beside you. Your trembling could be felt as he sat close to you. He reached out to you with his flesh hand, not wanting to terrify you further. "I won't hurt you Котенок, you can trust me." His voice was soothing, despite being deep. 

When his hand touched the bend of your elbow, he gave you a reassuring squeeze, scooting closer to let you feel your warmth. "Котенок," He murmurs as he tugs you forward softly. The dam of emotions you tried so hard to keep at bay crumbled. The Asset easily scooped you up into his arms, your skin was cold, you shook in two different rhythms. One rhythm thrummed in your bones, a deep-set chill. The other thrummed in your shoulders, fear. 

But the blanket of anxiety began to fall from your shoulders as you curled into his lap, he sat back farther on the weak mattress, cradling you with his flesh hand. 

Being this close to him felt nearly carnal. The immense desire that swirled in your chest at feeling his body heat would make a nun blush. It felt like a craving was being fulfilled in his arms. Your skin became a luke-warm, and you wrapped your arms around his waist to hold him a little closer while you rested your cheek on his chest. "What happened Котенок, you can tell me." He murmured, you felt his breath against your hairline. 

A soft blush dusted your cheeks when he kissed you gently. "It was a dream. And being here in this place... I want to go home." You softly sobbed and sniffled. He hushed your cries as you rocked you gently. "My Котенок, you're strong, I know you are. I've seen you fight our handlers, I've seen you fight the soldiers." The Asset smiled in your hair as he shifted the two of you. His back was against the iron headboard, and he held you between his legs.

Both of his hands started at your shoulders and slid down to your small hands. He held them tenderly, his lips close to your cheek and ear. "My little one is so so strong, I'm proud of you." He kissed your cheek one final time before he removed himself from behind you. He laid you down softly. Reaching down under your bed, he pulled up a thin blanket. "I have to go, but I'll be back soon." 

Like the caring man he was deep down inside, the Asset, Bucky, laid the blanket over you. He tucked you in and kissed your temple. Softly, he stroked your h/t hair from your face and smiled. "My little Котенок."

* * *

The door to your cell opened with a slam, waking you up immediately. When your eyes shoot open at the commotion, you meet a pair of chaotic green eyes. Brock Rumlow storms into your cell, followed by another guard and a doctor, Phineas. 

Out of fear, you clutch the blanket to your chest and scoot to the far end of your bed. Rumlow grins wickedly at you and lunges forward to you. It took you to muster up all of your strength to pull your body out of his grasps. You focused on the open door, you were going to get out of this place, no matter the cost. So, from the floor, you dust off your fall mentally and dive underneath the doctors grab.

You slid out of the doorway, scrambled to your feet, and took off in the direction opposite to where they take you for testing. Dejavu hit you as you ran past the double doors. You didn't make the same mistake, you ran right past it as the guards and the doctor yelled after you.  _ I'm going home, I'm going home, I'm going home... _ You repeated in your head over and over again. At the end of the hallway, you look over your shoulder. Your chest heaved, gulping in large breaths of air. Before you, you had an option. Go left or right.

You went left and pushed yourself harder. Your legs felt tight as you ran, the cold cement brutally smacked against the bare soles of your feet. But yet, you kept going. 

"Get the asset, she's headed down to the West wing." You heard someone call for the order behind you.  _ The Asset? _ The thought made you trip over your feet. When you came crashing into the floor you bit down on your lip to avoid crying out. The floor and the tough brick were unforgiving. You sat against the wall for a moment before pushing yourself up. 

You felt the trickle of blood from your knee and your elbow, but regardless you continued forward, limping. There was a door beside you, you reached for it, twisting the knob left then right. When it didn't budge you moved to the next one, and the one after that until you heard their footsteps. 

In front of you, you heard another pair of steps, only three. One of those three steps had a distinct pattern that you could pick up. It was heavy, louder, threatening. Your heart kicked into overdrive as you pushed past a pair of red double doors. Inside was a large observation room. Around the walls, were these giant tubes, empty tubes. Between them stood vital monitors. As you looked at the giant tubes, a migraine that felt like lightning cracking over the sky hit you and your knees buckled. A loud cry rang from your vocal folds as a torturous memory hit you.

Your hands came to your head, covering you like a wounded child. Tears sprang from your eyes as you began to rock yourself. "No," you murmured shakily. "No, no, no." As the images came flooding to you, the world around you became quiet.

> You slurred your steps as you walked to the bathroom. Your bladder was filled and you were close to relieving yourself in public. When you pushed back the bathroom door you went straight to the last stall. It was a habit, to find the farthest stall for privacy. You undid the button to your jeans, pulled them down along with your panties, and did your business. 
> 
> As you sat, you clasped your hands together and rested your forehead against your hands. "Ugh," You groaned, and then giggled as the alcohol thrummed in your veins. "What a night." You giggled and wiped. You flushed, took your time fixing your clothes, and then headed to the sink. "Excuse me," you murmured to the man standing opposite the stall doors.
> 
> You didn't know then, but it was strange that there was a man in the women's bathroom. His metal arm shone underneath the dim bathroom lights. His face was covered with a muzzle like a mask, around his eyes dark war paint. His blue eyes were blank, but slowly, recognition blew across them. 
> 
> You took your time, lathering your hands in soap and warm water. Cleaning between your fingers, and because alcohol made you more tedious than normal, you cleaned underneath your fingernails. You looked up into the mirror, looking at the man now masked in shadows. "Did you know that you're in the wrong bathroom?" You smiled cheekily, evidence of you being overly drunk came in the form of shiny red cheeks. 
> 
> When the man didn't say anything you frowned sadly. You turned to dry your hands but that was it. 
> 
> -
> 
> Waking up proved to be an extremely difficult task. There was a blindfold secured tightly across your face. Your arms were tied behind your back, stiff and achy. Where ever you were smelt like mildew and mold. You wiggled around, trying to speak around the gag in your mouth, but you could barely move. Something small crawled against your leg. You knew it was a spider. 
> 
> Just as you were about to scream you heard something open. "Y/n Shawn has gone off of the deep end girl," It was Mya you heard. Were you in the bathroom? If so, then where? "Y/n?" It was Mallory. 
> 
> _ I'm here! _ You screamed but they didn't hear you. You continued to hear them search, you heard Shawn, you heard Cj and your other cousins. After a few more minutes, when everything seemed to be silent, you felt something cold tighten around your neck. Something small pricked your skin. Slowly, you lost consciousness.

You scrambled into a row of cabinets and pulled your legs to your chest. The room you were in, thankfully, was darkened. You saw through the opening windows of the doors, two groups of men rushing around. 

Cupping your lips, you silently cried, you held your breath in intervals. When the coast was clear, on shaky legs and arms, you pushed yourself up. You inched to the door and looked through. Something told you to duck down and hide, so you trusted your gut and did just that. You inched back to the cabinets and looked through until you found an empty one. When you safely tucked yourself inside, the doors to the room you were in opened.

Whoever walked in had soft, near-silent footfalls. Your body tensed up as you kept your mouth covered. 

Inside the room, the Asset looked around briefly. His eyes scanned over every surface, but instinct told him to stay right where he was. He knew she was in here, his Котенок. Slowly, the Asset took a step forward, as he did, the doors behind him shut. He took another silent step forward, and although nearly impossible, his enhanced hearing picked up on rapid heartbeats.  _ She's close _ , he thought to himself internally. 

A brief mental image of your scared e/c eyes came to his mind. He stopped his search for you, and slowly, he pieced together a sentence that would hopefully lure you out of your hiding space. "You know I'm looking for you little one, I will not tolerate you fighting and hiding from me." The sound of your heart pounding thunderously in your chest made him smirk. "Come on out," He teases, but to you, hiding in the cabinet, it sounded like a threat. 

His voice was deep, it vibrated off of the walls of the cabinet you were in. "Come on out now Котенок. I'll reward you, but only if you're good to me." He added softly. The Asset waited a few beats before he sighs, and you heard the irritation in his sigh. Fear had convinced you that his punishments would be far worse than whatever the doctors and guards would do, so you moved. 

The Asset's eyes lingered on the cabinets as he heard your movements. Slowly, you pushed back the cabinet doors and then slid out. Your bottom lip trembled as your eyes collided like atoms. Tears spilled from your eyes as you completely removed yourself from the cabinet. The Asset approached you slowly. "Good girl," His smile shocked you as he crouched down. 

He scooped you up in his arms and sat you on the surface of the countertop. He stood between your legs, bringing your right arm up so he could examine your elbow. The gash wasn't too deep so he wasn't worried. He didn't meet your eyes as he looked to your knee. His flesh hand paused over the tattoo on your left thigh. At that moment, it felt like his brain lit up with fireworks. 

The Asset's touch was gentle, his fingers were slightly calloused and rough but it was a change. A change that you warmly accepted as he traced the lines of your tattoo. He knew this tattoo, he had dreams of it, dreams that he didn't get to relive often but he knew that he had them. He looked into your eyes again and cupped your cheek with his flesh hand. His metal one sat beside you, placed steadily on the counter's surface. "Such a good girl," 

"Don't hurt me." You whimpered. Your eyes were wide with paranoia. You knew this man. He was the one who took you. Internally you were screaming, crying out to yourself to run, but he was so close. His thumb wiped away your tears as he rested his forehead against yours. "Never Котенок," 

As you two sat there, it was you who pulled away first. The Asset caught your chin between his thumb and knuckle. "Don't." He snapped, and you nodded. He pulled you closer to him, wrapping both of his arms around you. Your face was smushed against his chest as he rubbed your back. The moment was ruined when the doors were pushed open forcefully and the lights were turned on. "Vstan' soldat." A doctor spoke. 

Bucky pulled away, he looked into your eyes before he turned to the two doctors, two scientists, and seven guards. One guard spoke again. "Poydem s nami, soldat." And as compliant as he was, he walked to them. The Asset left with two guards and the scientists. 

Rumlow stood by the door with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. It angered him that he would have to wait his turn when it came to you. When he led the group into the Cyro Observation room and saw the Asset holding you, his blood began to boil. He was ready for this operation to commence so he and the other guards could have their fun. "Have fun?" He sneered under his breath as the Asset walked past him. 

When you were cuffed, the Asset tossed Rumlow into equipment. All heads turned to the Asset as he resumed composure. His eyes met yours and he winked, turned on his heel, and followed his handlers to wherever he needed to go. 

* * *

"What is that?" You asked the doctor, Phineas. His light eyes twinkled as he looked at you. It made you blush to see him look at you with so much shock. Phineas looked to Trent, and Trent looked to him as he prepared your vitamins. "It's your last hormone cycle." He murmurs. He pushes the needle into your arm and you wince. "Sorry," he apologized.

You looked to Trent and he quickly looked away, so you looked back to Phineas. "What is this going to do to me?" You ask, your voice softer now. Your confidence had dwindled. Phineas looked up to your eyes before focusing on the needle. "It's going to alter a few things in your geneti-"

"Don't engage with the patient," Trent spoke bitterly. Both you and Phineas looked to Trent. Slowly, and very carefully, Phineas removes the needle. You pout at the other doctor before asking, "Do you like your job?" Trent looked up from your tray of vitamins. His blue brown eyes were wide as he looked at you. "I- uh.." 

"It's okay if you don't, I wouldn't like my job if I did what you do either." You murmur. Both of them look at you as you look down at your legs. Phineas lets your arm go and you rest it against your lap. The two of them work around you silently, occasionally giving you glimpses. "What's the Assets name?" You ask as Trent walks over with your small tray of vitamins. 

Trent glares at you as he hands you the small tray. "His name is Sergeant James Barnes." He places a small water cup in your hand. One by one, you toss them back and sip some water to wash them down. "I thought you said not to engage with the patient?" Phineas teases as he walks back over with a needle. In the little thing, was a pink liquid. "That's impossible. James Barnes died in 1944, he fell off of a train." You mutter. You hold out your arm for Phineas.

They share a look. "Smart girl, but no, he didn't die then," Trent mutters and heads back to the pills. When Phineas wipes your arm and then sticks the needle in your artery you frown. As you thought about his words you remember the extra research you did on the 107th division. "Was he apart of the group that was experimented on by Dr. Zola?" 

Phineas looks to Trent in shock. "How do you know that?"

You looked up, this time you look smug. A new expression besides being solemn and scared. "Before this, I was in college, AP history. For extra credit, I did some digging about the 107th but the trail went cold after a while-"

"What's this?" Rumlow sneers as he walks into the lab room. Phineas checks your eyes one last time before he places a small slip of paper in your palm. It was discreet and he looks at you, telling you with his eyes not to say anything about it, to keep it hidden. "Nothing, she's ready for the asset. Progression can be made." Trent mumbles. 

Rumlow grabs you by your arm a shoves you forward. You stumble and keep your fists tight so you wouldn't lose the slip of paper. 

-

Rulow gives you a lingering look as you face him and backed away from him. "I heard you, you know." He says and takes a step forward. "You're real smart," He looks you up and down, licking his lips as he watched you. "Better keep your mouth shut though. Don't want to be put under." He warned dangerously and closes your cell door. You waited for a while, standing in the middle of your cell. When you're sure he's gone you read over the small note.

_ \- Remember, you know him. He's not just a monster. _

The note made you blush, and you sat down on the thin mattress. How could he not be a monster if he was the one who brought you here in the first place?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRANSLATIONS:  
> *****
> 
> >"Котенок." = "Kitten."  
> >"Vstan' soldat." = "Stand down Soldier."  
> >"Poydem s nami, soldat." = "Come with us soldier."


	10. With A Blindfold - TEASER CHAPTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> Sorry for such a long and unexpected break. I've been diving headfirst in my assignments for class, and as of recently in BIO I had to dissect a worm... I'm still shaken up by that. College is officially gross to me. But! I come bearing gifts in the form of this teaser chapter. Hopefully within the next few days or so; no later than the end of next week I should have either one or even two chapters for an update. Well, that is all. 
> 
> Enjoy.

**Unknown**

You could hear his screams echo throughout the hallways, all the way down to your cell. _What are they doing to him?_ You asked yourself as you tried to pick at your restraints. They had changed them from the thick rope. They often chained your ankle to you bed frame, and you had unscrewed a nail from the parts of your bed they bolted down. Now you sat, picking and twisting the little pieces, in hopes something would come loose. 

Just as you got one of the nails to buldge you heard a horde of footsteps. Quickly, you hid the chain underneath the thin blanket. You turned on your side and evened your breathing. You waited a moment before your cell door was pulled open and two sets of footsteps entered the room. "Vasha nagrada, soldat, delayte s ney, kak khotite." Someone spoke, you heard mechanical whirring and the sound of fabric being shuffled. 

The door to your cell closed, and your cell fell silent. You could feel his eyes on your back, his steely gaze penetrating the back of your head. You heard him too. One long deep breath. 

Your shoulders tensed, and you felt yourself heat up. Between your legs grew slick with anticipations. This had become a reaccuring thing as of late, when you were close by him, you felt your body change, almost like you knew he was there. It felt like a second sense, a higher one, but you blamed all the tests you under gone months prior. "I know you're awake little one." He mutters and walks forward, but you never hear his steps. He's silent, like a ghost.

Behind you, the bed dips, and you feel his warm hand sneak underneath the blanket. He grips your shoulder and turns you on to your back so you're now underneath him. His blue eyes are distant as he looks at you. It took a long moment, of sitting and staring, listening to his hard breathing when you noticed his pupils began to dilate. "I heard you screaming," You murmur nervously, your voice trembled as you searched his face. There wasn't anything on him indicating that he was being hurt, but you could tell as his eyes lingered on your lips that something happened to him.

"Shh little one." He moves his body over you completely, straddling your hips as he traces his metal fingers over the apple of your left cheek. "What did they do to you James?" You whispered. 

Suddenly, both of his hands were around your neck, and he was squeezing. His eyes were hard, the blue so light it was nearly translucent. You clawed at him, gasping and struggling to have oxygen grace your lungs. The Assets face was murderous, unrecognizable. You smacked his forearm, smacked his face. You clawed and kicked, struggled and panic. Your vision was becoming spotty, but it was clear as day that he was enjoying it.

The little smile on his lips told it all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRANSLATIONS  
> ***
> 
> >"Vasha nagrada, soldat, delayte s ney, kak khotite." = "Your reward soldier, do with her as you like."


End file.
